Welcome to Writers Block.
I KNOW how this story ends.
Hell, I was the one roasting in the damned suit and I get to hear about it from Law Enforcement friends on a regular basis — not to mention in dreams.
I’m just drawing a blank on being able to write down the last third of this story. Nothing I write trying to translate the reality into words flows right.
And it’s not making me happy.
A big part of the Sheriff’s “Work smarter, not harder“ philosophy involved the fine art of misdirection — if a subject was so confused that he wasn’t per-zackly sure which way was up, then he/she/it/they probably wouldn’t be causing the sorts of problems which require extra paperwork. Or ER trips. Depositions. Lawsuits. That kind of thing.
Which brings us to the Pink Gorilla Suit.
Tucked not-far-enough in the back of the evidence closet was a costume that the S.O. had picked up from somewhere. As the name suggests, this was a gorilla costume, mostly pink.
Now, when I say pink, I don’t think y’all quite understand the depth of pinkness we are contemplating here: It was pink, pink. Neon pink. Fluorescent pink. A pink not found anywhere in nature. A pink that, in and of itself, constituted a radiation hazard. A shade of pink which, after a single glimpse, would cause the most flamboyant Mardi Gras costumer to protest that things had gone too far.
Now, bad as this mental picture is, the long-ago insane designer of this suit had apparently decided that having only one eye-searing shade was simply too boring, so this poor unfortunate had added spats, gloves, cuffs, a bow-tie and a top hat.
All very natty, and all very mauve.
We will now pause to give the Gentle Reader enough time to fully digest the Sheer Awfulness that was the Pink Gorilla Suit.
Anyhoo, we had gotten a search warrant. Apparently our Usual Suspects had graduated to Methamphetamine, Distribution Of; and had stashed a functioning meth lab inside a garage apartment out behind the house of, and belonging to, the grandparents of Usual Suspect #3.
Our pre-warrant briefing consisted of The Sheriff reminding us of some of the knottier problems associated with executing a search warrant on a meth lab (most of which seem to involve uncontrolled high-speed random disassembly of various items and/or people) and finishing off with a reminder that the Standard Obscenity Procedure for this sort of thing was to distract the critters long enough for officers to secure the scene without any of what the Sheriff referred to as “fuss and bother.”
That’s when the Chief Deputy handed me the box containing the Pink Gorilla Suit.
There I was, sulking down the street in front of God and everybody, wearing a neon-pink-gorilla-suit-with-mauve-accouterments over jeans, armour and a pistol, with a search warrant tucked securely in my sleeve, and the Sheriff’s exhortations to “Be distracting” ringing in my ears.
Bearing in mind that the search warrant was only for the garage and apartment, and not wanting to find myself in Animal Control’s Bad Graces (again) I moped up the steps to the main house and rang the doorbell.
Light footsteps approached the door, followed by a long pause. Then the sound of the footsteps heading away from the door.
I pulled my badge out from the collar of the suit and held it prominently in one paw.
This time the footsteps were accompanied by a heavier tread. I waved my badge at the peep-hole and was rewarded with the door opened just enough for me to be beheld by an extremely suspicious eye.
I tipped my hat (top, mauve in colour) politely, “Afternoon, sir. Sheriff’s Office. Pardon the interruption, but we’re going to be serving a warrant on your garage and apartment. The Sheriff told me to tell you that he’d take it kindly if y’all would stay inside the house until we got things under control.”
“Under control” murmured the gentleman slowly as he opened the door a little more fully, “Are you planning on that there control thing happening any time soon?”
“Can’t really tell with this kind of thing, sir. We’ll let you know as soon as possible.”
Might as well get this over with. I leaned slightly right and looked around the gentleman to the lady of the house, “Ma’am”, tip of the hat again, “Mind if I borrow some of your flowers?”
She looked at me, at the innocent tulips on the edge of the walk, and back to me.
“Umm. Go right ahead. You do know that you’re…pink?”
“Hadn’t noticed, ma’am” I lied gallantly, while selecting a pair of yellow tulips that set off the mauve spats nicely, “We’ll be around back, if you need us.”
I trudged back to the street, turned left and walked down to where the driveway from the garage entered the street. The garage sat about twenty feet or so back, with the apartment being the second floor of the structure.
The only ways in or out, were two roll-up garage doors and a people-type door facing me, and the only windows to be seen were on the side facing the street.
I looked around and made sure that I was at the junction of the driveway and the public street, set my top hat securely on the mask, straightened the gloves and spats, took a deep breath…
…and burst into a full-blown, top-of-the-lungs, you’ll-bloody-well-hear-this-one-at-Carnegie-Hall rendition of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. While using the tulips as the microphone.
By God. *snort, snort* I did the works. Vocals. Back-up vocals. Sound effects. Kinda-sorta instruments. Howling. The whole nine yards.
And, of course, Dirty Deeds has that lovely guitar solo, which lends itself quite nicely to an air-guitar — excuse me — tulip guitar performance.
Well, if it didn’t, it does now.
Unfortunately, the tulip-guitar solo kind of led into a dance.
It was fairly energetic dance. And maybe a touch expressive…
All right! There was gyrating going on.
However, I do not think that I was doing -quote “The gorilla version of a fan dance” -unquote; I don’t think that you can do -quote “Suggestive things with a hat” -unquote when you’re wearing a fur suit over armour and that over jeans; and I do take umbrage at the suggestion that I -quote “Gave them the ‘Full Monkey’” -unquote.
And that’s where I draw a blank.
Probably from the PTSD I picked up from having to wear that [deleted] suit.
One of these days, I’ll get it finished, I promise.