Open letter to my readers of the distaff persuasion.

Ladies, with the recent ballistic unpleasantness in Mesopotamia, I am noting a sharp increase in what I refer to as SquEALs.

Other folks call them Rexall Rangers, Ice Cream Commandos, Wannabees, Special Farces, Secret Squirrels, or the infamous Chairborne Rangers, among other (usually unprintable) names.

The above-mentioned are examples of a certain sub-species lurking amongst the male half of the population who apparently lack several important things, among which are a sense of honor, testicular fortitude, lack of hugs during childhood, a ‘Truth’ gene, or enough ass-whippings for fibbing.

These are the — I can’t call them guys — things? … who decide that it is a Good Idea to whiperingly tell folks of their Special Operations history, when the truth is that the closest they ever came to Special Operations was when they rented ‘Navy Seals’ from Blockbuster.

Amusing, yes. Pathetic, yes. Deserving of a sound ass-kicking, hell yes.

Unfortunately, the same lack of moral fibre that convinces them that lying through their teeth is a good way to feel like a man, also tends to allow them to pull off other stunts to feed their egos.

This is where I want to talk to the ladies.

Ladies, in my experience, hooking up with one of these critters never ends well. Most of the stories I run across wind up with the critter stealing property from the lady (both in minor and felony quantities), destroying her credit rating, wrecking her reputation, emptying her bank account, all the way up to physical, mental and emotional abuse, and even murder.

Some of the stories I hear would be laughable, if it wasn’t for the fact that the person telling me of these stories has had her life destroyed, been beaten, or it becomes necessary for me or someone like me to have to discover the story at second paw, because the lady is dead.

Listen to me. If you take nothing else from this blog, listen to this one thing: if someone you may be interested in starts telling you about his Super-Secret Special Operations Stuff — Check. It. Out.


Trust, but verify.

If anything he tells you about his military career can’t be verified, then a real operator wouldn’t have told you anyway. Period. Full stop. End of discussion.

This is a link to the National Personnel Records Center in St. Louis.

The thing you need to bear in mind is: Standard Form 180.

The NPRC website shows three different ways to get a Standard Form 180.

If your potential schmoopie starts telling you about his special operations days, or the testosterone-soaked, manly missions in-which-he-was-the-only-survivor-but-he’s-going-to-be-strong-for-his-dead-buddies, or how a Hollywood movie (or book) was actually based upon his exploits, or any bushwa which sounds like it came out of a dimestore novel with parachutes, explosions and half-nekkid women on the cover, get your paws on a Standard Form 180, fill it out as completely as possible and mail it to the address given a the NPRC website.

Once you get a copy of his military records, take the copy to someone who can translate it for you. That person should NOT be your possible huggums or his best friend in the whole world.

Take the form to your nearest military recruiting station of the Armed Services branch that your pookie claims and have someone with a lot of fruit salad on their chest translate the results for you.

If lambie-toes claims to have been a SeAL, but his documentation says he was anything else: DROP HIM — PRONTO.

Someone who will lie about this sort of thing to make himself feel like a man will, I say again my last — WILL do other things to make himself feel like a man.

Including smacking you around.

Do this thing for me, okay? And do it for any female friends or relatives you care about that run across someone who matches the description.

I don’t want to deal with the after effects of a bullshit artist anymore, and I’m relatively sure that no other cop wants to, either.

And they wind up as cops, too. Just because he made it through an Academy, doesn’t mean that his stories of his SEAL days are true.

Trust, but verify.


Cranky LawDog
Thursday afternoon ruminations.

21 thoughts on “Open letter to my readers of the distaff persuasion.”

  1. Good advice. It’s been my experience that the people who have actually Been There are usually quiet or reserved about their experiences; if questioned they may give information, or they may mention it in commenting about something else. The ones who huff-and-puff and brag are usually phonies.
    It’s interesting how many so-called “SEALS” there are out there, isn’t it?

  2. Amen, I had a pretty uneventful military career but I only discuss it with other military. I have seen many of those you discuss and totally agree with you. Someone tells me he was a Navy seal the first time we talk I try to make it the last time.

  3. Listen to this man, ladies. He knows whereof he speaks. Many of these guys are sociopaths. Some of them are psychopaths. All of them are bad news. Choose well, or (if you’re lucky) live to regret it.

  4. Amen Lawdog! I was blessed enough to marry a REAL Marine (served 83-87). I love him dearly and am eternally grateful he is an honest, kind, gentle, strong, loving MAN.

  5. “And they wind up as cops, too.”

    Yeah, usually on the narcotics task force or the SWAT team. Usually the former.

    Kinda like these guys:,1406,KNS_347_28813,00.html+Campbell+County+siler&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=1

    Secretly made audio recording of narcotic officers torturing man in his home beating him and electrocuting his genitalia.

    Readlong with the transcript (right click and save as)

    I wonder whhy I never heard about this on the national news?

    Google cambell county siler and read the cached pages

  6. An attractive female friend once asked my opinion of a fellow who claimed he was a mafia man in order to impress her. The fact that he claimed to be a mafia man, I told her, was 100% proof that he was NOT a mafia man.

  7. I used to run a line a long time ago about being a military man. Never did say I was a SEAL or Ranger…too obvious. Usually said I was EOD or a tank driver. Did it to get laid….never worked…then I grew up.

  8. I’m so glad someone finally addressed this situation. For a long while I have been the girl that my friends have come to to when so-and-so’s flavor of the month decides to let them know they are special forces… commandos, and my personal favorite “he says that he was discharged because he has the highest kill count in the marines and he just couldn’t take any more lives….” – this one was the same man who tried to get into my tent and have a “flashback”, requiring female help to “at least HOLD him til its over -. I’m the lucky girl with the uncles, godfathers, and more in various branches who gets to make the call of “Would you mind looking this fellow up?” to see what’s what.

    Anymore? I get long silences and hesitant querys back along the lines of “You didn’t loan him money… right hon?” My favorite moment came when I simply got a long drawn out GIGGLE from my godfather over one gentleman. Turns out Sparky had been in the military true… just asked to leave after 46 minutes! Seems he was escourted to the gate with a firm “How the He.. did you get IN here.”

    Sigh. There are some truly scummy people wandering around out there. But thanks for the great info, I can now direct people away from my family and let them do the info seek themselves.

    And to all the men and women out there who really served? Thank you. You’re all in my prayers every night.

  9. You have to be pretty detestable to use mythical special forces/seals cred to gets chicks. Another annoyance are the guys who are constantly tossing out their military careers as justifications or get out a criticism free cards.

    One guy in town was constantly getting into trouble and getting busted for OWI and public drunkenness and all manner of trouble, getting fired from jobs you know the drill. Of course he would tearfully blame it on post traumatic stress disorder. He would regale everyone at the VFW and the bar with terrible stories of the atrocities he had experienced in Vietnam. Had everyone in town feeling sorry for him and most people gave him a pass because of it. How could you not after hearing the stories he told.

    Well, one of the guys he served with during Vietnam with came home for a funeral and happened to be in the VFW one day when this guy was telling his horror stories. Turns out they were all bullshit. The closest thing he ever came to a battle injury was VD from fornicating with French Vietnamese whores in Saigon. If he ever got into hand to hand combat he would have had to have been fighting VC off with a letter opener since he was some sort of paper pushing file clerk on an airbase in Saigon. Never seen any combat whatsoever.

    They said you could have heard a pin drop in the place when the guy he’d served with stood up and called the guy on the line of BS he’d been running for 25 years or so.

  10. Last guy I knew who did that sort of thing, it sorta came to an end when he started bragging on his SEALosity in a bar… in front of someone who really WAS.

  11. “The closest thing he ever came to a battle injury was VD from fornicating with French Vietnamese whores in Saigon.”

    You’re talking about John F’n Kerry, aren’t you? 😉

    Kiki B.

  12. What to do with the woman who refuses to believe that her man is full of crap … who refuses to accept the evidence that he’s lying, or worse, forgives him for it again and again. This is someone near and dear to my heart. His latest stunt (just last week) is to claim to have deliberately drunk anti-freeze in an attempt to commit suicide, but fortunately he vomited it back up. It’s breaking my heart, because she’s so blinded by his crap that she won’t get out. I worry for her and their 18-month old son every day, but I can’t get her to see the light. She’s in TX, LawDog. I hope you never have to meet her.

  13. I remeber really getting worked up over crap like this in my college days, while pursuing my history degree. (At Texas A&M, this ended up being a military history degree, whether one wanted one or not.) The whole fake veteran thing really pisses me off, as my research showed that almost alll SEALS, Rangers, Recon, etc. guys never talked about it. My wife’s uncle was a Ranger, and he barely mentions he was Army, much less a Ranger.

    Additionally, thanks for the records info LawDog. My mom and grandma found a medal or two in my Grandpa’s things, and I lost the address for finding his citations in cyberspace somewhere.

  14. I have known two straight money Navy SEALS in my life. One whom I worked with told me (after an evening of heavy drinking) that he went on four missions, and every single one was tougher than the training. That’s all he would say about it. The other I knew when he was a child of seven or so. He and his two siblings were out in the Garden of the Gods in CO, along with their mom and I, the current boy friend. There is a particular rock formation out that way, a sort of balancing rock or boulder, as it were. Anyway, as we were relaxing after lunch we heard a familiar voice calling, “Mom! Mom! Look at me!”

    Mom looked at me and whispered desperately, “Make him stop doing that. Please?”

    I responded with the standard, “Don’t you fall off of there, now.”

    “OK!” He shouted back.

    “I’m not kidding!”

    “OK, I won’t!”

    “See?” I smiled at mom. “He said he wouldn’t fall.”

    Well, he was on top of the rock, and I sure wasn’t going to climb up after him.

  15. *chuckle* I am fortunate enough to run with many SFers (all branches) in my current job. Y’all think YOU are upset by this? uh uh. I’ve SEEN what these guys do when they find imposters…

    But I digress…

    This is a serious problem. One that, unfortunately, will not ever go away. The best we can hope for is to save as many women from these guys as we can.

    Funny story now….

    Several years ago a buddy of mine, who just so happens to be retired Army; specifically, Delta.

    Anyway, along comes Jonny lies Often spewing forth his crap to anyone that will listen. My buddy Billy listens politely, taking it all in. Mr. Often was taking about being Army SF, SOLO LRRP MISSIONS, and on and on and on…until he brought up getting selected for Delta, but turning them down to take a job with the C-I-A.

    Billy had heard enough. In front of god and everyone, quietly asks Mr. Often two SIMPLE questions.

    1) “So, being SF, I bet you loved jumping out of Airplanes, didn’t ya? Musta been a helluva rush”

    A) “Oh YEAH! Loved it. I’ve got hundreds of jumps. About 30 of them were night jumps. And some of those were into hot zones.”

    2) “HUNDREDS? WOW. You must be really good. So, I bet you worked your way right up the ladder and could carry as many PLFs as you wanted. So how many PLFs did you take up with you?”

    A) “16! Yeah, I got real good. But they trained me to be that good.” (btw, that was the ONLY comment he made giving props to training-hell, or anyone/thing else for that matter- besides himself).

    *chuckle* shoulda seen the look on his face (along with everyone else) when Billy let that other shoe drop… And all he had to do was say “A PLF isn’t a THING, it’s an action…and if you’re lucky, you get to do it once, each time you jump. You are NOT the real deal. You’re a poser. Be VERY careful who you try to impress with lies. You just might end up telling the wrong person and get yourself hurt”.

    Of course, knowing Billy the way I do, I knew he wouldn’t add anything about himself. So, to add special effect and really drive the nail home, I chime in with “So sayeth Mr. Billy Ray _____. Retired Vietnam Vet, Tunnel Rat, Sniper, and a REAL Delta Operator.”

    Mr. Often literally left in tears as the laughter began. Yup, a real tough guy.


  16. I met one of those guys in myspace. Lying sack of shit. Oh, he had all kinds of tales to tell. Not a one of them true. I got clued in when I saw him on webcam with a non-regulation haircut and non-regulation full beard. Yeah, he didn’t know I knew anything about the military. Once I told him off he deleted his myspace profile. He probably just built another one to try to lure in more ladies. Hope he burns in hell for taking honor away from those who really EARNED it.

  17. I’ll be darned. I didn’t know the Chairborne Rangers were dangerous to anybody–then again, I’d never date one. I will certainly pass the word to other women. Thank you! And come on over and visit my blog. It’s not nearly as interesting as yours, I lead a pretty quiet life, but as a fan of yours I’d be delighted if you drop in to type “Hi.”

    By the way, I have a friend who is a (real) Green Beret and also has a bunch of funny stories about Chairborne Rangers. I will inquire if he minds my sharing them. So stay tuned.

    –The Next to Last Samurai

  18. Right on! Get em good.

    Aside from that I love that you used the term “bushwa”. Never heard it used outside my family and don’t know why…

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