This is why I love the job…

Kid is driving up to a local convenience store to visit his friend, who happens to be a cashier at the store.

As the kid pulls into the parking lot, he sees a critter with a case of beer under each arm burst out the door and start legging it down the street.

Kid promptly whips a U-turn in the parking lot, pulls up next to the sprinting subject and hollers: “Get in!”

Critter heaves his booze into the back seat and jumps in. Critter says, “Thanks, man!”

Kids sayeth, “No problem” and continues driving. Critter looks about and discovers that they are on a course back to the convenience store. Critter says, “Hey, man, we can’t go back there!”

Kid says, “How else are you going to return the beer you stole?”

Critter promptly takes off his shirt and throws it in the kids face, then bails out of the still-moving vehicle, bounces along the pavement a bit, before climbing to his feet and staggering down the road.

Kid slams the vehicle into ‘P’, hops out and promptly performs a bee-yoo-ti-ful tackle (remembering to keep his shoulders up and exploding off that last step before contact) and the two commence tussling in the street.

The critters actual getaway driver chooses that moment to remember that There Was Something Important I Was Supposed To Be Doing, and goes looking for the critter, turns down the road, sees the dust-up and attempts to bounce the kid off the bumper.

Fortunately, she missed both the kid and her supposed Pookie.

At this time, two private citizens — either truck drivers or bikers, depending on who’s writing the report — see the tussel and decide to do their Civic Duty (or figure that this one is too good to miss) and they land on the critter like the Fist of God.

Critters getaway driver promptly slaps the stick into ‘R’ and does her damndest to bounce her rear bumper off of somebody, anybody in the pile. Causing the critter to shift from “Help me! Help! Do something! Get them off me!” to “****! Goddamnit! Don’t do that ****! Crazy ***** almost hit me!”

Unfortunately, the pleas fall on deaf ears, and she takes another shot, only to strike out for the third time, and disappear down the street, but not before both of the Samaritans got the license plate number, make and model, and description of the driver.

When PD got to the scene, the critter allegedly begged them, in tones most piteous, to get him away from the kid and his cohorts — even if it meant going to jail.

Because the critter managed to land a couple of punches on the kid and the Samaritans during the tussle, he got charged with Robbery (Felony 2).

When the judge set the bond, the critter objected to the ‘high’ amount. Judge asked — out of curiosity — why he thought the bond was too high, and the critter said, I quote: “They whupped my ass!”

Fighting back a smile, the judge responded: “And from appearances it seems like they did a workmanlike job, too.”

“They can’t just whup a mans ass for no reason!”

“Mr Critter, I want you to listen very closely. I want you to consider this incident not so much as an ass-whipping, but rather as a hint from God that next time you should pay for your beer. Bond stands. Good day.”

I love Texas.


Urban Law Enforcement Myths
Memorial Day 2006

14 thoughts on “This is why I love the job…”

  1. Keep it up – Between you and duToit, you’re going to convince me to relocate to TX.
    BTW, word verification tonight has a stutter – i i arm

  2. Why am I mentally picturing the Judge saying “Good day” in Paul Harvey’s trademark style?

  3. I am convinced you lead a charmed life, Law Dog. When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

    Seriously, have you given thought to publishing these stories? This is stuff you can’t make up.

  4. I almost served on a jury for a cocky young man charged with two counts of burglary. Since I knew the arresting officer, I was not given the chance.

    A week after the trial, the judge sent me a letter thanking me for answering my jury summons and to inform me of the outcome.

    With a previous felony burglary conviction and the two additional felonies, the young man received 99 years as a habitual criminal.

    I love Texas too.

  5. Law Dog, so what happend to the get-away driver and her, what, four counts? of attempted vehicular homocide? she gonna get a needle for her trouble? or just a very long time in some state funded sub-standard housing?

  6. God bless people who don’t stand idly by and let people ruin our society. God bless Texas, and thanks for letting me live here. Great post!

  7. Rorschach, she has not been arrested as of yet. This only happened on Monday so it’s still early. I don’t expect her to be on the loose much longer. She will be facing aggravated assault which is a second degree felony and punishable by 2 to 20 years in state prison and a fine not to exceed $10,000.00.

  8. This is why women are not supposed to be the getaway driver. WOMEN CAN’T DRIVE!

  9. boo, hiss, Rhett.

    Here’s to both the kid and the Samaritians! I agree with Shooter – there’s a book in them thar hills *G*.

    I’ve had to stop reading your blog at the office – I was litterally giggling out loud at the Mongoose story and had to read the whole thing out to my fellow cubicle inhabitants. You made my office’s day.

  10. I love Texas.

    Amen. And again I say unto you: Amen.

    And thanks, Lawdog, for telling the tale. It needed to be told.

  11. LD,

    As someone currently living in MA I want to thank you for stories of from the actual USA.

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