I’m having serious writers block on the Pink Gorilla Suit story. I know what happens next. I just can’t figure out how to write it properly.
Just because I’m a sadistic you-know-what, I leave y’all with the other story I Writer’s Blocked on. This one I started in December of 2004.
When I get writer’s block, I jolly well get it but good.
Show of paws here: how many people know what a pogonip is?
For the unwary, a pogonip is also called an ice-fog and is basically a thick blanket of winter fog that freezes on contact with anything solid, forming a super-slick rime of ice up to several inches thick.
As penance for my brutal assassination of Santa Claus the year before, the Sheriff had graciously allowed me to be volunteered to play the Jolly Olde Elf at the town Christmas pagent.
The suit was a wonder. Even wearing armour and a gun-belt, I still disappeared in the deep, dark depths. This little problem was solved by the addition of several pillows from the trustee cell and three crumpled editions of the Sunday Dallas Morning News. The boots were actually overshoes, which velcro-ed quite nicely over my ropers, and the issue beard was tossed in favour of something dug up by the Chief Dispatcher (who also did the wardrobe for the town theatre group), said dispatcher promptly glueing the beard to my face with some kind of clear adhesive which she assured me would come off quite easily once the performance was over.
Anyhoo, I pulled on the supplied mittens, extracted my 22-year-old-Sheltie from under the Dispatch desk (the ladies in the office had given her a Christmas-themed sweater, put bows on her ears and painted her toenails in sparkly red-and-green hues) and drove my cruiser over to the Fire Department.
The night before, our area of West Texas had received one of the rare pogonip fogs, which had rendered the entire area about as slick as a greased hockey rink.
I didn’t realize how slick everything was, until I wallowed out of the cruiser and slammed the door, which sent the cruiser sliding slowly about a foot left … and into the gutter.
Anyhoo, I rode the brand new pumper truck over to the courthouse, did the “Ho, ho, ho” thing, got my lap wore out, everyone exclaimed over my Sheltie and she suffered herself to have many, many pictures taken with various personages…a generally good day.
After the festivities, I discovered that the guys at the FD had been nice enough to pull my cruiser out of the rain gutter…twice.
I plunked the dog into the side seat, shoehorned myself behind the wheel and was gingerly inching my way home, when…
You guessed it.
The radio went off. Burglary in progress at one of the local churches.
I pull up to the church, and mindful of my experience at the Fire Station, I get out of the cruiser, but I don’t close the door.
Parked in front of the church is a pick-up truck, engine still running. Across the street is a little old gentleman with an absolutely huge mustache, holding a cordless phone and giving me the old hairy eyeball.
I immediately assume that the gentleman with the phone is most probably the Reporting Party, and I start to waddle across the street to get more information, when I notice that someone is in the act of walking from the front lawn of the church to the pick-up truck, and the person is carrying one of the figurines from the outdoor Nativity scene. This kind of strikes me as odd, so I holler, “Sheriff’s Office, may I have a word with you?”
The old boy heisting Joseph (or maybe one of the Wise Men – I never was real sure), immediately drops the purloined porcelain and takes off at a high-speed shuffle for the pick-up.
Deciding that I really, really wanted to have a talk with that critter, I also kick into (sorta) high gear for the truck.
He gets there first, snags onto the side mirror, pirouettes a couple of times and goes ass over tin cups onto the street —
— just before my feet abruptly kick out from under me and down I go. God bless the Dallas paper, I couldn’t have been better padded if NASA had given it a try. I roll over and start pushing myself to my feet, when the critter rights himself, glances over at me and starts a high-speed slide/crawl to the curb.
Once on the chapel yard, he finds (somewhat) better traction and abruptly takes off at a dead sprint, me breathing down his neck. At the corner, he pulls a sneaky. Since he hasn’t slowed, I figure we’re for a full sprint down the block, but he puts out an arm, grabs the guy-line for the telephone pole and makes an abrupt right turn. While this is, indeed, a good move, unfortunately it dumps him on his fourth point of contact and the critter slides a good 10 yards down the street.
Not having benefit of the guy-line, I turn right much like a battleship under full steam: I use the entire street and most of the yard across the street just to change direction…
And there it ends for now.