Splash, OUT!

06/19/2006 was a truly Red Letter Day among the Internet Gun Forums.

The Internet troll known as Gunkid a/k/a/ Hardin a/k/a Jamboree a/k/a Swetn a/k/a Lawrenceof Reason a/k/a Brule a/k/a … you get the picture, got nicked by Oklahoma deputies and the Federal Bureau of Investigation for multiple State and Federal violations.

For those Gentle Readers who are not familiar with the metaphorical whiff of methane and hydrogen sulfide that was the cyberspace presence of Gunkid, allow me to shed some light on why there are Internet Gun Board Staff People dancing in the streets right now:

Gunkid was an idiot.

In actuality, he was more than that: he was a compulsive liar, a thief, a convicted felon, a Walter Mitty wannabe and a dedicated pain-in-the-arse.

His dream was for the World To End As We Know It — preferably in a nuclear holocaust — so that he could float down the Mississippi river on a raft and sell his services as an assassin to the warlords that he was sure would pop-up like fungi.

He opined at great length about blowing up Federal buildings, office buildings, and any building belonging to anyone he didn’t like.

When asked about the possibility of the Feds not much taking to people spouting off about blowing up their buildings, Gunkid would reply that if he got any whiff of a Fed, he was going to cause civil disorder by poisoning the local water supply and escaping in the panic. If that didn’t work, of course he was not going to be taken alive, hail of bullets, dead agents in the street, napalm, explosions, terror, special CNN music, yack, yack, yack.

He was fond of a ten-inch barreled upper receiver chambered for .22LR on his AR-15 with a attached silencer, and claimed it was the be-all, end-all survival weapon and was good to 300 meters. He vociferously defended this combination to anyone who would ask, especially tyros to the world of guns.

He would always neglect to mention that a 10-inch barrel on a rifle without the proper — extra — paperwork violates several Federal and State laws. As does the attached silencer sans proper paperwork.

He was also an obnoxious believer in the famed Assault Wheelbarrow. When the Balloon Went Up, Gunkid advised anyone who would listen not to bother with backpacks or such-like. No, the only useful carrying mode would be a light-weight wheelbarrow.

He frequently claimed to be a top IPSC shooter, and his name has been found on an IPSC list or two, but never anywhere near the top.

His encyclopedic knowledge extended to the world of attack- and guard-dog training, and he was a vociferous fan of the de-barked Chihuahua for guard dog work.

Don’t get me started on that one.

All of this — and more — does not garner Gunkid such an exalted place on the Internet List Of Those Who Should Go Play In Traffic. There are thousands of other people exactly like this on gun-boards right now.

No, what got GunKid his special place in our hearts was the fact that:

a) The schmuck could not take a bloody hint. Not even the gentle, “Don’t do that [deleted] anymore” caused him to pause and reflect upon his behaviour.

b) The numpty was prolific. We can deal with bushwa, but when the bushwa is coming at the rate of 20 posts per minute for two hours, keeping up becomes a full-time job.

c) The bonehead was sodding incapable of having a reasoned discourse. By the Goddess, if you disagreed with him, then [deleted] you, you [deleted]-ing [deleted] son of a [deleted] and your [deleted]-ing dog, too, [deleted]! Now, see bullet ‘b’ above.

He apparently believed that what he was dishing out was handed down to him from the Temple Mount, that we should be grateful for receiving these crumbs of Truth, and that anyone who disagreed with The Truth was a Sinner, who should be verbally chastized before being cast out of his Presence.

d) The critter was the anthropomorphic version of cat whizz. To explain, if you’ve ever had a cat mark his territory inside your house, you know it’s jolly well impossible to get the smell out. You bust your butt, and you think the nasty funk is finally gone, but something happens and ‘BAM’ — your house stinks of cat whizz again. No matter what you do, no matter what you try, the stench always comes back.

He was exactly like that. He’d show up on a forum, stink up the place, he’d get banned and next thing you knew, he was reeking up the place again under a new name.

He got kicked off of TFL and THR hundreds — if not thousands — of times, and never, ever got the damned hint. I will guarantee that other firearms forums thumped him a similar number of times.

For further enlightenment, enter ‘gunkid’ in the search engine of your choice.

I’m seriously considering sending a case of micro-brew up to that department out of sheer gratitude.

LawDog