By way of Randy in Arizona

I give you:

The Heart Attack Grill

Apparently, this is an eatery located in Tempe, Arizona where you can get served french fries that have been deep-fried in genuine lard, beer, and burgers with mind-blowing (not to mention heart-stopping) quantities of meat and cheese.

The half-pound burger is called the Single Bypass, which is what they claim you’ll need after finishing one off, and the menu goes through Double Bypass all the way up to Quadruple Bypass (two pounds of patty goodness), for the really brave.

In keeping with the name, the cook is dressed like a surgeon, the waitresses are dressed like Nurse Nasty, and if you finish the Triple- or Quadruple Bypass, they put you in a wheelchair and roll you to your car.

You know, I don’t often contemplate a two-state road-trip just for a meal, but Lord have mercy …

Anyhoo, the whole thing seems to be done in the spirit of fun — unless you happen to be an Assistant Attorney General for the State of Arizona.

Seems that, and I quote: “5 or 6 complaints” have been filed with the Arizona regarding the use of the word “nurse” vis a vis the waitresses. Seems there’s someone out there who is concerned that the waitresses at The Heart Attack Grill might be confused with actual medical personnel.

Now, I don’t know if this is five or six people filing one complaint each, or one person filing five or six complaints, but I’d guess the latter.

You can read the notification letter.

On one paw I’ve seen pictures of the outfits that the “nurses” at the grill wear, on the other paw I’m more than familiar with what real nurses wear — and folks, you simply aren’t going to get one mixed up with the other.

Unless, of course, there’s a hospital out there where the nurses do wear micro-mini-skirts and fishnets, in which case please e-mail me a map of the location of this hospital and an employment application for the local Sheriff’s Office.

Is it possible that there might be someone in Arizona who is smart enough to work a Form 1040, but can’t figure out that the waitresses at The Heart Attack Grill probably aren’t real nurses? What are the chances of that?

It is, at most, six people with complaints. Six. Hell, every business has at least six complaints for one thing or another — that just a Fact Of Business Life.

When you get six hundred complaints, you have a problem.

Personally, I figure that if the Arizona Attorney Generals Office has the time, funding, or staff to concern themselves with this “case”, then they’ve either got 1) too much time on their hands, 2) too much money to play with, or 3) too many bored staffmembers looking for trouble — all of which represent money out of Arizona citizen’s pocket-books.

You Arizona taxpayers might want to keep that in mind next election.

Anyhoo, on to more pleasant thoughts. Anybody out Tempe way actually eaten there? If so, how’s the food?


Sorry about the lack ...
This is what I'm bloody well talking about!

27 thoughts on “By way of Randy in Arizona”

  1. LawDog,
    I’ve got a new {to me} convertible, and it’s great convertible drivin’ weather. When should the Dearly Beloved and I pick you up? My favorite topper for fries is gravy. Do they have cream gravy at this fine eatery?


  2. HollyB & LawDog –
    Should you all find yourselves in the wilds of Houston, eMail me for directions to where I’ll be working come Monday – Splendora is finally getting a restaurant that offers booze ……………. rather than a “strictly eatery” or “strictly drinking” establishment ……………… I’m a cook/sometime bartender there …………….
    Holly, I’m pea green with envy over your rag-top – my dream car is a Mazda Miata convertible …………….
    Semper Fi’

  3. Uhhhhh…As a former RN, I can reassure you that I NEVER wore an outfit like the ladies are shown to be wearing at the grill. Furthermore, I don’t even know of any Nurses who look like that. Most nurses would put even Hooter’s out of business if they dressed in the outfit, much less The Heart Attack Grill. The idiot feminists out there who have a cow about the attire need to get a life. Now, if they had a problem with women dressing like that because they wanted to take their children there, that’s another thing, but maybe it just needs to be an restaurant for Mommy and Daddy to go out to by themselves on their date night.

  4. always thought Arizonia was a fine state, kinda reinforces that. I have had a few stays in the hospital and if I had nurses like woulda liked to stay longer. glad u stay on top of things dog.

  5. Ay de mi. Is there no END to the IDIOCY of bureaucrats????

    Is the assistant AG for the state of AZ (who is the one who wrote the letter to the restaurant) such a dunderhead that he thinks people in his state are really *THAT* stupid??? That they would confuse a “nurse” in a restaurant with a real RN in a hospital/clinic/etc?

    Well, I decided to find out. Wrote a letter to the AG’s office, very nicely and very politely calling them idiots… 🙂 We’ll see if I get a reply…

  6. I work about a mile and a half from this fine eatery.
    The food is excellent, the scenery is superb, and, unfortunately, the majority of our local politicians aren’t much different than this Assistant AG.

    (Sorry. No gravy. But you gotta love “All-you-can-eat” fries!!)


  7. LawDog,
    I live in Tempe but somehow I’ve managed to not eat there. If you do decide to roadtrip, give us all some advance notice…I’m sure many Phoenix area residents would be real glad to go out to the range and go shootin’ and follow up with a burger and fries. =)

  8. Just for once I’d like to see a politician or bureaucrat with balls.

    Tonight on dateline or one of those shows they made fake wrinkle fixer pills and make a phony infomercial for it. The things were made from nestle quik and had no medicinal value. Big dramatic report. Shady infomercial producer and actors the whole bit. Of course the climax of the bit, as it always is, was the dramatic trip to capital hill to the congress critter who breathlessly watches the report and agrees with dateline that legislation should be passed to protect the innocent American people from this sort of perfidy but alas big business or some other evil dujor is blocking his heroic effort. I would have given anything for legislative weasel to have said to Dateline or whoever “If you’re stupid enough and vain enough to fall for wrinkle elimination capsules you deserve to be ripped off now get the hell out of my office and quit wasting my motherfucking time.”

    Same for this instance. If the asst AG should have told the complainers and the people from the AZ State Board of Nursing the same thing; “If people are stupid enough to not realize these women are not medical professionals they deserve to be removed from the gene pool and if you personally have a problem with the women dressed up like nurses I would bet it has something to do with your own, shall we say “image issues” now get the hell out of my office and quit wasting my motherfucking time.”

    That’s how you handle this crap.

    The again I’ve had performance evaluations that said the following: “has made multiple subordinates cry”.

  9. “(Sorry. No gravy. But you gotta love “All-you-can-eat” fries!!)”

    Waaaahhhhh!!! I’m severely allergic to potatoes(cinnamon, too), so I can’t have fries. However, if I happen to go crazy sometime, kill someone, and end up on death row, I want my last meal to be the following:

    Filet Mignon
    Loaded Baked Potato
    Twice Baked Potato
    Kate’s Mashed Potatoes(Mounds of them)
    McDonald’s Fries, and now The Grill’s fries
    For Dessert:

    A dozen Cinnabon cinnamon rolls with Extra Icing.

    Don’t worry, you won’t need the needle and drugs, or Old Sparky. The above should do the job quite nicely, and I’ll die a happy woman.

    “The things were made from nestle quik and had no medicinal value.”

    Who says Nestle Quik has no nutritional value? I grew up drinking the stuff, and I’m still alive.

  10. From various hints provided over the years, I have always pictured you, Lawdog, as residing on or near US-287 north of Amarillo. Amarillo, as in The Big Texan Steak Ranch and the 72 ounce, eat-it-all(and all the fixin’s)-in-an-hour-and-it’s-free, steak. And you contemplate a multi-state excursion for a mere 2 pounder? There is not all that much to US-287 north of Armadillotown and still in Tejas, verdad?

  11. Could be the guys at the Atty. General’s office are contemplating a little undercover investigation. Go there, act like customers, eat the food, ogle the “nurses,” drink the beer, all on the taxpayers dime. How many reconnaisance trips would it take before you could report back to the Atty. Gen. that there was “nothing to see here?” Of course, if the food was good and the “nurses” comely, you could always suggest “follow-up” investigatory trips.

  12. The health police are everywhere. But I’m prepared. I have a KitchenMaster mixer and I know how to use it.

    Want my fries, Mr. AG? My ribs? My LGC maduros? Molon Labe!!!

  13. Amarillo, as in The Big Texan Steak Ranch and the 72 ounce, eat-it-all(and all the fixin’s)-in-an-hour-and-it’s-free, steak.

    You do have a point there. (Between you, me and the fencepost, the Country Barn has a better steak, though.)

  14. That reminds me, I need to see if Stitches has reopened over by East Jefferson Hospital, and if their menu is still the same if they have. Their “double-bypass” is two 1/3lb patties with double cheese & double bacon. Their “triple bypass” adds a hot sausage patty. Also, their cheese fries have so much cheese on them that they’re named after Michael Bolton…

  15. Yes, HollyB, now I understand your phone message. If I dressed up Nurse Ratchet in one of them outfits, I could probably get us a free meal. And I do so love a few fries or mashed potatoes to go with my cream gravy.

    I have to feel sorry for Chris Morrow from the Heart Attack Grill site, though. He obviously was never one of my patients, or he wouldn’t think of nurses as “humorless, bitter, short, fat, or ugly people…”

    Diamond Mair, if you’ll head north, when Holly and DB pick up LD, you can jump in my turbo, 6 speed Mazda Miata and we’ll follow them.

  16. “I have to feel sorry for Chris Morrow from the Heart Attack Grill site, though. He obviously was never one of my patients, or he wouldn’t think of nurses as “humorless, bitter, short, fat, or ugly people…”‘

    Give the patients enough Morphine, and Attila the Hun will look like a Playboy Centerfold.

  17. Kikib,
    You would have to see flo in her glorious flesh to understand her comment. She is as lovely as she is kind and tender.


  18. I don’t live out that way but a buddy of mine and I are working up a road trip across to the PRK (why? I don’t know something about surfing I am just along for the ride) and we will have to stop there and see if we can’t stop our hearts!


  19. Lol, Holly. I was thinking more of when I practiced as an RN, and how I looked and how many of my coworkers looked. 🙂

    It would be great fun to meet some of you from this site. If you ever get to the Louisville, KY area, let me know.

  20. “The Big Texan Steak Ranch and the 72 ounce, eat-it-all(and all the fixin’s)-in-an-hour-and-it’s-free, steak.” Gosh, are they still doing that? I think I first saw the sign with that offer in 1979 when the Air Force sent me to Clovis, NM.

  21. Wait, you’ve got Bone Daddy’s (the one in Dallas is outstanding in both scenery and that stuff they bring on the plates), and you’re considering going two states over for some nurses? I know the price of gas has gone down, but I’d just order a few more beers at Bone Daddy’s with the extra cash.

  22. I live not more than a couple of miles from the Heart Attack Grill but haven’t gotten over there yet. But now it’ll be sooner rather than later. I also called the ADA whose name is on the letter and left a voicemail asking why he’s wasting his time and my money on this BS.

    My dear departed mother became a nurse in the 30’s and continued well after I was grown and on my own. Including a few years spent with the US Army during WWII. I know that she’d be laughing her ass off about this.

  23. dammit, I was JUST out there. If only I had known this place existed. 🙁

  24. If my nurse had looked and dressed like those ladies when I had that fleet I’d had not minded so much.

    Well maybe not considering the nurse was a he.

  25. Bone Daddy’s is nice. Try the New Twin Peaks in Lewisville though. More scenic (especially if you prefer some curves) and the food is pretty good too.

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