Riffing on religion

Oh, Happy Campers, Things Have Been Fun around here.

For those of my readers who may be less than knowledgeable concerning the version of the Protestant faith that dominates in small town Texas, let me attempt to explain in two words:

Shi’ite Baptists.

The local bunch and I have a long-standing history, and we have reached an unspoken agreement: they pretend I don’t exist, and I don’t give them the opportunity to grok the entirety of the sentence “A furore Normannorum libera nos, Domine.”

Mother feels about the locals about the same way I do — mainly due to Shi’ite Baptist activities at the funeral of my father — but since Mom is considerably more diplomatic than I am, and given that Granma’s family features in the history of the Texas Shi’a Baptists, Mom has pretty much been immune to any crap.

Hoo boy, has that changed.

The local Shi’a Baptists have been sending a list of names home with the children after Sunday school. Most of this list are names of people who are sick, who have died, or who are on missionary duty, and it asks the child to pray for these folks.

All well and good.

The very first group of names, however, does not ask for prayers, nor does it ask for happy thoughts or anything else; it is merely titled: “The Lost”.

Guess in which section my mother’s name is prominently placed?

Lost, huh? Funny, I’ve got a pretty good idea of exactly where she is … OHHH — the other kind of “lost”.

Listed beside my mother are a couple of the atheists in the town, a Hindu family and the local flamboyant homosexual.

Goodness. Sunday school no less.

I think I’ll just stop right there.


Riffing on religion, part 2.
Sorry about the lack ...

19 thoughts on “Riffing on religion”

  1. holy cow! (pun intended).

    By the way, we have unprintable quasi Baptists up this way too. Heard of Fred Phelps?

    My daddy used to say “if Fred’s version of heaven happens to be the right one, I’m gonna be happier in Hades.” Tell your mama that she’s in good company.

  2. Trust me…Phred is neither Christian, nor is he goin’ to Heaven when he dies at last. Personally I’ve always been slightly amazed that no one has seen fit to hasten his meeting with his Maker!

  3. I grew up in baptist country and wasnt one, met this beautiful thing who was so went to church with her for a few months. It only took three or four years to get unwarped from that experience, uh the church not the girl. I feel ur pain.

    btw u know why baptists dont have sex standing up dont ya?

    if someone saw em might think they were dancing.

  4. Seems more like Pentecostals to me. I’m a drinking, dancing Baptist. I’m not going to say that your characterizations of Baptists is unfair, because based on most of the Baptists I know, I wouldn’t want to be one either.

    Praying for “the lost” is not a bad thing. I think that “list” is at best a bad idea, at worst it’s some sort of backhanded way to insult those on the list while maintaining the image of devoutness (AKA passive-aggressive).

    Think about it from the perspective of someone who has found God – they want their loved ones to experience the same purposefulness and salvation, so naturally they will ask that same God to show them the way. They don’t make “holier than thou” lists to give to children.

    I honestly think that “churchians” (my term for people whose religion is church, and know nothing of Christ) are the biggest problem facing real Christians.

    Dismiss me as another backwards Baptist. Maybe I’m still woozy from that Irish wedding (drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight) last weekend. But I think you’re seeing the churchians giving the Christians a bad name.

  5. LAWDOG! Missed ya’ whilst you were down.
    Grew up Baptist. Not offended. Ben’s joke is TOO funny, by the way!
    But I do want to apologize to you and Mom LawDog on behalf of those of us who follow Christ. That isn’t the way my Heavenly Father would want things done. They blew it BIG TIME.
    Some of us Baptists are pretty cool once you get to know us. 😀

  6. As another Baptist, we must remember that there is a continuum all the way from very Liberal Baptists to very Legalistic Baptists. I have met all kinds. I hope and pray that I try to stay more balanced and live my life the way the Lord would want me to, not the way my church would. I agree with Anonymous about “Churchians”. My mother is one of those, and even I can’t stand to be around her.

  7. Good lawd!

    My wife’s family was the no cards, no games, no dancing,no drinking kind of organization.

    They will forgive you for breaking all ten commandments except for the one about drinking a budweiser while watching the game on TV.

    I’m lost too and I don’t plan on being found.

  8. Here in Texas, we have a firm rule: never take just one Baptist fishing; you must always take two or more.

    If you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer. 😉

  9. It wonders me what the local Shia’ Baptists in your parts would think of the silver Icelandic Thor’s Hammer I wear. Looks a lot like an upside down cross.

    Gerry N.

  10. Law Dog, it’s a shame that all Christians are painted with the same broad brush by others who determine that most Christians are like the Pharisees and Sadducees that you were relating to in your post. Remember, the P & S’s were the ones who brought false charges against Christ and called for His crucifixion. I am a Marine (’59-’65), I had a small arsenal in my home, I enjoy tactual shooting, hunting, fishing and riding my motorcycle. I hunt dove and duck during season with the music minister at my church along with other fellow Christians. I have sworn to protect my family, friends and even strangers that may be in need of my assistance by any means up to and including deadly force. (Yes, I have a concealed handgun license). I am a Christian and a deacon in my church. Someone asked me once about how I could be a Christian and still own firearms and I told them that I could shoot further than I could throw my Bible. God gave us life and it is only Him that has the right to take it (other than when the laws of society call for capital punishment). When Christ sent the disciples out two by two’s he told them to take their swords and if they didn’t have one to sell their tunic and buy one. I just ask that everyone not judge me by the actions of others. Get to know me and other Christians like me and paint each of us individually – not as a group. Yes, I do pray for the lost but I will also pray for that church who seems to have some P & S’s in their congregation.


  11. Anybody remember the little sacks the convenience stores had to put the single beer cans in years ago here in Texas? Led to the term Brown Bag Baptist. Haven’t seen the little bags in years.

  12. I dunno, as a (then) Roman Catholic spending my tender years in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I had more than enough experience with what I now call Wahhabi Baptists to last for a lifetime. Sorry to hear that that oh, so loving and tolerant crowd are still at their funny little games in your neck of the woods.

  13. As a pastor and an evangelical, I would apologize for the Shi’ite Baptists, but then again, the Baptists probably don’t like me very much, either.

  14. Wait till you get a load of the Über-Liberal Birkenstock Baptistas in hempen clothing carrying the “No War For Oil” signs. Be nice and say “Hi” to my mom.

  15. Seems to me that this sort of list-writing can result in a restraining order. The phrase “Your honor, I truly felt threatened by their actions.” can be used for more than just rightious shootings, after all…

  16. After my mother passed on my dad reverted and married into a wahabi Baptist family.

    I was astounded when I heard his new wife say that her sister had contracted cancer because she had married a catholic and had converted to Catholicism.

    Made me realize what my friend meant when she said:

    “The only problem with Baptists is they don’t hold them under water long enough”

  17. I have an article about Fred & Co. on my blog, where they go around with signs saying “Thank God for IEDs”. They think the war in Iraq is the direct result of their church being bombed in 1995.

    As far as prayer lists go, hey, anyone want to pray for me, they are welcome to. I need all God’s help I can get. If they think I’m “Lost,” well, thankfully, they’re not really the final Judge on that matter.

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