Is there some fine print in the holiday contract that requires a certain amount of Smack Your Significant Other events?

Out of twelve arrests in a six hour period, seven of them were for domestic violence — why is this? What is it about the holidays that causes some folks to feel the need to haul off and dot their wife/husband/shack-up/random relative one in the eye?

And it’s over stupid stuff: Critter is cooking steaks over the grill. Brother-in-law doesn’t like his steak well-done, so when his designated steak looks about right, brother-in-law flips it off the grill onto his plate, and wanders off to a shady spot to eat.

Critter follows brother-in-law to shady spot, and when the brother-in-law sits down, critter stabs the meat fork through brother-in-law’s hand.

Now, I can understand a little prod to remind folks to keep their booger-hooks to themselves, but when you show up at the scene, and there’s some guy with the handle of a meat fork sticking out of the back side of his hand and four inches of tines sticking out through the palm, Friends and Neighbors, you done passed ‘prodding’ and are well on the way through ‘nailing’ territory.

And I am here to tell you, once you call 911, it’s not a “family problem” any longer.

Yes, I understand that Vlad the Impaler is your husband. Yes, I understand that Ivan the Forked is your brother. My understanding of those two points is in no way going to change the fact that your snookums is still going to the hoosegow.

In related matters: if you are drunk enough to think an old Jeff Foxworthy joke about crime scene chalk and outlines is funny enough to reference while the paramedics are loading an unconscious Mr. Forked into the ambulance, then you are most probably too bloody rat-arsed to be attempting to negotiate with Johnny Law.

One would think this would be common sense, but one has been wrong before.

Oh, well. On to more cheery things.


Deja fu*
Somewhere out there...

6 thoughts on “*sigh*”

  1. I guess the guy had to stick a fork in his brother in law to see if he was done

  2. I understand that! Something about the holidays brings out the “doesn’t play well with others” side of peoples’ personalities.
    I’m also amazed at how often these things are so PIDDLY! For pete’s Sake! Weigh the price of a $3 steak vs. bail, attny fees, court costs and fines, possibly jail time not to mention the family hassle.
    Life Lesson: Don’t sweat the small stuff!!
    But then we’ve all come to the conslusion that these critters are about as sharp as bowling balls, anyway…

  3. Such a trivial matter, yet still a felony charge, with all the unpleasantness that comes with one.

    That’s what happens when you chuck out reason and hand the helm to emotion.

  4. Maybe it’s that during holidays people feel obligated to invite those relatives that they avoid the rest of the year – for very good reasons.

  5. Dog you simply have to stop making laugh like this at work. It’s causing talk. 🙂

  6. When you’re not expected at work, no one is holding you accountable for your sobriety. Some hold this up as an omen and feel that the onus is thus upon them to drink, and drink deeply.

    As one who appreciates all manifestations of the malt, I can appreciate this… to an extent. When all caution (and family blood!) is thrown to the wind, of course, the line has been crossed. There are things One Doesn’t Do.

    When drunk, one shouldn’t:
    -Call one’s boss.
    -Drive. Ever.
    -Question social mores regarding what category of person would make a fit mate (or even just be fit to mate with.).
    -Create a New Fashion Trend.
    -Extemporaneously decide to commit an act of violence that could be avoided for even a second. (If it can be avoided for a second, it could be avoided for a minute. If it could be avoided for a minute, then it could be avoided until you’re sober.)

    Enjoy your adult beverages. But only if you can act like an adult.


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