Is there some fine print in the holiday contract that requires a certain amount of Smack Your Significant Other events?
Out of twelve arrests in a six hour period, seven of them were for domestic violence — why is this? What is it about the holidays that causes some folks to feel the need to haul off and dot their wife/husband/shack-up/random relative one in the eye?
And it’s over stupid stuff: Critter is cooking steaks over the grill. Brother-in-law doesn’t like his steak well-done, so when his designated steak looks about right, brother-in-law flips it off the grill onto his plate, and wanders off to a shady spot to eat.
Critter follows brother-in-law to shady spot, and when the brother-in-law sits down, critter stabs the meat fork through brother-in-law’s hand.
Now, I can understand a little prod to remind folks to keep their booger-hooks to themselves, but when you show up at the scene, and there’s some guy with the handle of a meat fork sticking out of the back side of his hand and four inches of tines sticking out through the palm, Friends and Neighbors, you done passed ‘prodding’ and are well on the way through ‘nailing’ territory.
And I am here to tell you, once you call 911, it’s not a “family problem” any longer.
Yes, I understand that Vlad the Impaler is your husband. Yes, I understand that Ivan the Forked is your brother. My understanding of those two points is in no way going to change the fact that your snookums is still going to the hoosegow.
In related matters: if you are drunk enough to think an old Jeff Foxworthy joke about crime scene chalk and outlines is funny enough to reference while the paramedics are loading an unconscious Mr. Forked into the ambulance, then you are most probably too bloody rat-arsed to be attempting to negotiate with Johnny Law.
One would think this would be common sense, but one has been wrong before.
Oh, well. On to more cheery things.