Oh, look. A drive-by troll.

Apparently, my earlier soliloquy has attracted the attention of Those Who Disagree:

Anonymous said…
“Tabatabainejad, 23, was shocked Tuesday night after arguing with a campus police officer who was conducting a routine check of student IDs at the University of California, Los Angeles, Powell Library computer lab. [Long URL removed]

So this was a case of “papers please” and Tabatabainejad decided, NO this is not nazi Germany this is America, I’m not going to co-operate with your gestapo like mentality. Of course being a “peace officer” you choose to side with the nazis. Your mother must be proud.
3:42 PM

Goodness, but don’t anonymous ad hominem arguments just kind of make the user look like a complete and total tit?

“Look! I have researched my argument sooooo well, that I’m not even going to take the time to type up a reeaaallllyy kewl name before I call the other guy a Nazi!”


The state of education and courtesy in this country just really make me want to weep.

Oh, well, we must soldier on.

On the minute chance that the anonymous author of that little screed can find this page again; has a memory span capable of retaining this debate past his next meal; and/or has the testicular fortitude required to reappear, let us take a look at his assertations.

“So this was a case of “papers please” and Tabatabainejad decided … yadda, yadda, so on, so forth, obligatory mention of Nazi Germany, etc.”

When Mr. Tabatabainejad signed on as a student at U.C. he agreed to abide by certain University rules. In simpler language, he entered into a private contract with the school.

One of those rules that he contracted to abide by was the declaration by the University that only persons possessing U.C. student ID cards would be allowed inside the library after the hour of 11:00PM.

I have noticed in comments on other sites by persons claiming to be current students at U.C. that this rule is quite clearly posted in the library, and that all students know of it. Furthermore, it seems that being caught after 11PM without the proper ID happens occasionally, and the student so caught is asked to leave, goes and gets the proper ID and is readmitted.

So. The young gentleman has entered into a contract with the university. Part of the contract that he agreed to of his own free will states that he may not be in the library past 11PM without his student ID.

He then hauls off and violates this contract that he willingly signed and agreed to causing the University — through the student Campus Security Officers — to uphold their side of the contract and ask him to depart.

Instead of abiding by the contract that he entered into of his own free will this student got stupid and wound up getting the cops involved.

Tell me, do: How does upholding a private contract between two parties, said contract entered into freely, equate with Nazism?

Allow the fountain of your intellectual brilliance to spring forth and illuminate for me this small thing.

Or — as I suspect — are you a sodding sock puppet, perched behind a console in a ever-so-edgy-yet-trendy coffee-house mindlessly parroting handy phrases from your Complete Idiot’s Guide To Properly-Approved Anarchist Catchphrases because it’s the kee-eewl thing to do, and because all the really kee-ewl girls are nauseated by the cloud of halitosis, acne cream, and patchouli that seeps from your very pores like a Green Death?

See? THAT is how you insult someone. Have the common courtesy to put some effort into it, rather than using the puerile, pedestrian, passe tactic of just flinging the word “Nazi” at your opponent, along with the mandatory reference to his mother.


Ah, well. I suppose I ask too much of someone whose height of intellectual achievement is going to be that one glorious epiphany when that final difficulty resolves itself in a blinding flash of insight and you stride forth, proudly locomoting AND masticating bubble-gum — simultaneously!

What a glorious day that will be! Basking in the glow of awe and jealousy radiated by your fellow microcephalic invertebrates, upon seeing you sliming forth from under the communal rock, whichever part of your anatomy might pass for a face amazingly gum-free!

Do not let me hold you back, young … blob? Goo? Thing? Do not let the cries of, “Oh my sweet Jesus, what the HELL is that thing?!” that greet your every appearance deter you from stretching forth your trembling pseudopod and articulating your first original, coherent, cogent thought!

You can do it!

Cordially yours,

ps: You schmuck.

This is God's way of saying, "Don't do it."

37 thoughts on “Oh, look. A drive-by troll.”

  1. This is a case where Godwin’s Law would apply. Because the person cannot come up with anything better than accusing the people they disagree with of being like Nazis, so as to get the emotional response going, they automatically lose. They have shown they have nothing of substance to base their argument on.

    And why did I sense a touch of “Princess Bride” toward the end of this post? Is LawDog going to start dueling folks to the pain?

    Somehow, after reading the post about the letter to the paper LawDog’s mom wrote, that ,”Your mother must be proud,” bit makes me laugh.

  2. I went to UCLA from 1985 through 1989 and can attest to carrying my ID with me always. I don’t remember using the computer lab at night, but I do remember that two rapes occurred in the library during my years there. If I was there now I surely would be appreciative of the law enforcement officers enforcing the rules requiring ID, etc.

    By the way, Lawdog, you sure have a way with words. I love your writing!

  3. As I think Phoenix implied, you can’t win an Internet micturating contest with mephitis mephitis, LD. I’d council you, if you’d accept it, to grab yerself a mug of Tension Tamer and a decent novel.

  4. Brilliant! Finishing off an rebuking to someone who calls you a Nazi with a yiddish insult. Absolutely Brilliant!

    Oh yeah, all the other insults were good too. Heh.

  5. Ahh…the lost art of the insult. Good to see the skill still around.

  6. LawDog, you do realize, you’re now my Hero. Just thought you’d sleep better tonight knowing that. Really.

  7. Git Some, there, Dawg!
    Gods, man, you’re on a roll today!


  8. Now thats the way to insult someone!

    You ought to teach classes, 🙂

  9. Hmmm, still no reply by anony. Oh wel, it is Friday night after all. He/she is probably still sitting around in a haze, twiddling their hemp necklace and practicing their “edgy” face in the mirror.

  10. Such a brillant reply, wasted on a moron. That wasn’t a troll, at least not someone “professional”.

    1. Rule of Internet trolling:
    “If you call the other side a nazi you lose”

    That was just a, well your reply nails it, but a troll ?
    I’ve seen trolls and their work is artfully horrible. Besides if the name is Ameja.. whatever it’s a copypasta to boot, posted on every blog the twerp catched not agreeing with him.

  11. I do love a well deserved tongue lashing, and you are The Master, LD. Anony’s comment was offensive, and even though it may not may not penetrate his/her thick skull, I’m sure you feel a tad better–and entertained the rest of us, to boot. Thanks!

  12. LD, you can bask in the glow of awe and jealousy radiated by me. Man, when I have someone that needs insulting, I’m coming to you for help.

  13. Ah,’Dog, what a joy to read the words of a man who loves to use the language to entertain his friends as he eviscerates his foes! It’s a shame the cretin at whom those finely crafted phrases and carefully chosen words was so befuddled by the intellectual level at which they were written he was unable to understand them without adult explanation or the assistance of a dictionary!
    I’m SURE your Mama IS VERY PROUD.

  14. Law Dog,

    Someday let’s have your point of view on “no knock” raids and SWAT Teams wearing black ski masks.

  15. Oh my dear and fuzzy Lord!
    I’ve just snorted an entire can of Sierra Mist!

    You Sir, are a danger to those of us who have laughter control issues.

    You’re not just skilled at the art of insult, as someone mentioned: Oh no, you are a GOD.

    (and I sincerly hope the knuckle- dragging primate you were responding to appreciates the truly masterful response you gave. Bravo, Sir, Bravo)

  16. Dawg, you do indeed have a knack for words and insults.
    But… and I’d be willing to stand for correction here if it’s needed, wasn’t the recipient of those five taser shocks on his way out of the library when he was nabbed by the campus cops? I believe I read that somewhere in the original report.
    There was so much left out of that story that we have to jump to some sort of a conclusion or therte wouldn’y be a story at all. So allow me to jump to one that (so far) hasn’t been broached. Suppose the student in question was using a computer (as has been mentioned in other places) and the security rent-a-cop (RAC) im to leave because he had no ID. Now, if that happened to me I’d take a few moments to shut down the terminal, pick up my books and backpack and head for the door. It might be that the RAC thgought he was taking too much time to accomplish this simple task of getting the hell out of there and called the “real” cops.
    Now, I hope I’m not hurting anybody’s feeling with this, but I know, personally, some cops who would feel that if they had to take the time to get out of their cruiser and walk into that library, someone was going to get their butt kicked!
    You seemed to take the side of the cops. Based on the same story and its horrible dearth of meaningful information, a second version could – and obviously has been – deduced, imagined, considered, whatever, by your “drive-by troll.” Setting aside his very poor debating skills, isn’t the conclusion he has leapt to just as reasonable as yours?

  17. Sorry about the lousy typing. I screwed up my back and the pain meds make me pretty dizzy.

  18. Setting aside his very poor debating skills, isn’t the conclusion he has leapt to just as reasonable as yours?

    Oh, no doubt.

    However, once this piece of oral diarrhea spewed forth:

    Of course being a “peace officer” you choose to side with the nazis. Your mother must be proud.

    I don’t care if the little stain is a genetic mix of Mother Teresa, Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and the rise of Christ on Earth — the little pismire is going to catch a verbal broadside.

  19. “If it ain’t right for me? You must be a Not Zie(NAZI)!” Can the long night be far behind?

  20. I salute you sir ! Your rebuke of the gutless wonder who doesn’t even have the stones to put a name to his literary effluent was sublime.

  21. Old Far, they are not rent-a-cops, but real police officers. UCLA has their own force. UCLA is larger than many cities (in terms of population).

  22. To quote one of my favorite movies, Lawdog, “You use your tongue purtier’n a two-dollar whore!”

    Absolutely magnificent putdown.

  23. Where can I sign up for the LawDog School of Eloquent Insults?

    Nicely done.

    I find myself constantly surprised by the little toads who can jump to an assumption at the speed of light but are unable to draw a logical line from A to B, nor able to see all of the facts. They insist on having a gut reaction when chances are they aren’t old enough to have a gut, much less know how to use it.

  24. LawDog,
    I am, once again, amazed and impressed by your ability to completely and with aplomb put someone in his place without ever once resorting to language that would be unacceptable in front of my grandmother (the one who was a minister’s wife).

    You sir, are a master of the English language. Should you ever find yourself in Northern New Jersey dinner will be on me.

  25. My view of this incident is that it was a deliberate grandstanding.

    The student in question got chafed about the ID requirement, equating it to abuses. He set out deliberately to make a rukus about the ID issue and knowing also with very little resistance he could get the police to do something physical, and rightly so. At that point, all he has to do is curl up and scream and yell and the police take the brunt of critisicm.

    All reports agree that he was given more than enough time to comply before the poilice got there and after. I must admit I am a little squeamish about it sonce he did not do much other than sit and scream, but I do understand the necessity of being able to remove people guilty of criminal trespass.

    My husband is also a cop and he has a few holds that are quite painful, but do not leave damage (unless applied much more forcefully than he has needed to in the past) The suspect looks like they are willingly walking with him to his destination if you discount the bugged eyes. Would have been ideal if one cop had this knowledge, but beggars can’t be choosers.

  26. LD, you use the english language in such a manner that I fall to my knees in supplication. I am so not worthy of reading such a skillful use of the mother tounge as a rapier. You skillfully gutted, cleaned and skinned that bit of prey and even butchered it without even getting a drop of blood on your knife or your person.

    as always, my hat is off to you. I still contend that you have missed your calling if you were to never publish your memoirs, I would be willing to bet you’d make more money off the first printing that you ever made your entire career as a LEO.

  27. Hey LD… I was just strolling through the blogworld when I came across your post in response to the anonymous yellow-belly that intimated your close relations with Nazi Germany. I enjoyed it so much, I then spent the rest of the day reading your entire archive! What an enjoyable way to spend “mom’s day off!” Keep up the good work!

  28. HILARIOUSly funny, my friend.
    However, methinks there are too many big words (glorious though they are)…”anonymous” will NEVER get it. He’ll probably think you’re agreeing with him.
    Ummm, maybe the schmuck thing at the end will give him a clue. 😀

  29. You know, I was already going to write you in on my ballot in 08, but now I think I’m in love.

  30. LD: Are you arguing for personal responsibility?!

    OMG(oodness)! *hyperventilating* That is, like, so, so, like…you know…like, unfair, or something…? [/valley girl impersonation]

    No, really, well done. Like Phoenix (posting at 5.32pm), I appreciated the echoes of Princess Bride towards the end. Top notch!

  31. That guy in the library – I’d like to stomp a mudhole in his rear-end and walk it dry. People like that make our streets less safe by wasting the time of officers. Shame on them and shame on all those who encourage such idiocy.

  32. As I read the story, the initial contact was conducted by CSO’s, Community Service Officers. In my day in the UC Police Department, CSO’s were student volunteers who were minimally trained and equipped with a bright yellow jacket, flashlight, PD radios and, perhaps, a key or three. The full blown, badge and gun, sworn UCPD (created by the same legislation that created the CHP and state police) officers never heard of the jerk until he failed to meet his contract when requested to by the CSO’s.

    Lawdog, I was about to question the honor of entering a battle of wits with the unarmed but then I remembered how I enjoyed slamming tackling dummies in football practice. Please carry on!

  33. ooops! Forgot to add: Those who are waiting a response from anonymous should consider how often the tackling dummy comes at the player. 🙂

  34. Lawdog, I love you! (Even though I don’t dare read you while drinking anything, for fear of choking.) Would you like to meet a nice samurai lady who can cook, sew, converse, and teach your dog tricks? (Not all at the same time, and no, I can’t teach your dog to cook, sew, and converse.)

    As for the incident, I thought both sides were wrong. Clearly, the cops pounced on him because he looked Middle Eastern, and clearly, they were right to do so (Swedes rarely wear suicide bombs), but if they hadn’t been so darn obvious about it, the incident could have been avoided. All they needed to do was card a few all-American blonde football-player types BEFORE they carded Tada-whatever his name was. And Tada-whatever should have quietly left when they first noticed him, rather than staying around to argue about it.

  35. LawDog, I’m with you regarding the contract TaDa signed with the university, but…

    …I dont think TaDa signed up for the bonus anal tasing he was subjected to by what are essentially private cops.

    I’d have instigated a riot or worse after the video I saw of the torture these boobs were using. “Stand up” – zap, “Stand up” – zap, repeat.

    There clearly could be a case for “Lethal Force in Defense of Others” as tasers have been cited in over 200 police-related deaths since 1997, and identified as the cause in at least 30 coroner’s reports…

    Love your work, and nearly fell out of my chair at your response to the Nazi comment. Hang tough.

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