Some years back I got a little impish and wrote some brief passages to use as signature quotes on the forums I was frequenting. Since I am, well, me, they were a wee bit … warped.
I was leafing through some old notebooks, and found some of them.
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“This,” Thought the Big Bad Wolf as Little Red Riding Hood reloaded, “Is why I voted for the Democrats.”
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“We go in hard and fast. Watch your fire sectors and your threat ID.” Happy slammed a full mag into his MP5, “Nail anything taller than four feet except the Queen. Dead queens can’t give us antidotes.”
Dopey looked up from his equipment check, chin quivering,“What if she won’t talk?”
“She’ll talk,” said Doc, grimly, “They always talk. Eventually.”
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“FIRE!” bellowed the King, and the palace guard opened up on the Evil Fairy with full-auto AK-47s.
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“That sounded like the safety on a Browning Hi-Power,” murmured the Old Witch.
“Uh-huh,” said Gretel.
There was a pause.
“I suppose the whole oven thing is out of the question, then?”
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“I’ll huff and I’ll puff …woah! Nice shotgun. Umm. Look at the time! Should have been home hours ago! Wife will be frantic. Nice meeting you. Bye, bye now!”
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“Plan ‘A’ is to ask the ogre to change into a mouse. I eat the evidence, no muss, no fuss, no body” said Puss-in-Boots as he screwed the silencer onto his HK Mk 23, “Plan ‘B’ gets messy.”
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LawDog
Dawg, you crack me up.
I can Photoshopulate those up if you want to open a cafepress store, nooo problem 🙂
Oh you missed out:
“Bother”, said Pooh as he chambered another round
😉
A splendid collection, indeed.
Regards,
Rabbit.
LawDog, have you ever read the Samurai Cat books? I think you’d like them…
I am Dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.
I used to run an industrial pretreatment program (regulating what industries discharged into the sanitary sewer). At that time, my sig line of choice was:
“Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” Tom Lehrer.
Jim Gwyn
Yes, LD, truly warped, I agree, and just as wonderful. I’m still laughing minutes later.
Bob
If Disney wouldn’t sue I’d give a gold plated minority to have a tee shirt with the 7 drawf sig line as a caption under the drawfs in entry gear.
LD please write a book.All the way back to the SOF board you have cracked me up.
It’s easy to figure what happens in most of those stories if the good guys are armed. The one with Snow White’s dwarven friends, though… there’s a lot of room for that to be expanded into a great story. I’d think anyone who read Robert Rankin’s Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse would read that version of Snow White. I wonder if Disney owns the characters now, or just the Disney likenesses?
“I wonder if Disney owns the characters now, or just the Disney likenesses?”
They own pretty much everything. The lowdown is here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonny_Bono_Copyright_Term_Extension_Act
Aaron, I see how that would mean Disney owns the likenesses of characters that Disney artists created, and even that they could claim as intellectual property of the company (as writers were working under contract to the company) any parts of the story that were created specifically for their film. But I just don’t understand how Disney could own the very characters themselves. The story is much, much older than even Walt Disney himself, much less the company.
For example, I understand why Disney would hold the rights to using their images of Robin Hood as the fox from their film, but I don’t see that they could ever claim to own Robin Hood so that no one could ever write a story about him without their permission.
Good God man. Between this and the “Dyslexic of Borg” comment above, I’ve been laughing for 5 minutes straight.
I think I’ve pulled a lung.
and you think these are only a little bit warped? Sheesh, I’d hate to see one you thought was really warped. 🙂
Minor comment: “Browning Hi-Power” is a bit too long, it ruins the rhythm of the piece. Gretel should be packing something that has a little shorter name.
As for the question on what Disney does or doesn’t own: I’m no lawyer, but my understanding is that Disney only owns the likenesses and names of the seven dwarves as they appeared in Disney’s movie. The classic story doesn’t name the dwarves. Give them different names and you’re home free.
Lawdawg, you, sir, are the possessor of a sense of humor that is not merely twisted but actually sprained.
Those are wonderful.
Unknown sig line from forgotten forum:
“I am Porky Pig of Borg. You will be assim… assi..assimi.. absorbed”.
“I bow to the master.”
Aims.
“Twang.”
(I couldn’t resist the pun.)
I used to have a whole bunch of the “Bother said Pooh as he…” taglines back in the day.
Bother said Pooh as he…
strafed the column of refugees.
sunk his seventh Guinness.
hid Piglet’s body next to Rabbit’s.
napalmed the Hundred Acre Wood.
watched the mushroom cloud rise.
was assimilated into the Borg.
locked the phasers on the Klingons.
aimed from the grassy knoll.
turned the launch keys.
was cuffed to the saltire by Chistopher.
saw the police close in.
summoned Cthuluh.
…and so on.
“Bother,” said the Borg, as they assimilated Pooh.
I don’t understand why you called them twisted. They seem perfectly normal to me. But then, of course, I’m me.
Here is my favorite: Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on whats for dinner. Freedom is a well armed lamb contesting the vote.
Representative Democracy is two wolves and a lamb electing a leader to decide what is for supper.
“This,” Thought the Big Bad Wolf as Little Red Riding Hood reloaded, “Is why I voted for the Democrats.”
I have a fourth grade reader from Austria with the James Thurber version of the Red Ridinghood story. It’s much shorter and ends with Red shooting the wolf dead (Sie Nimmt ein Browning und shoss den Wolf todd, iirc, it’s been a while), and the words “nowadays it is not so easy to put things over on little girls.” I find it interesting that they put that story in German in a fourth grade reader in Austria, a very socialist country. Thanks for reminding me of it.
“that which does not kill me had better run like hell”
and
“beware of strong drink, it can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss.”
(thank you robt. a. heinlein, wherever you may be.)
“gunner”