I’m told that it’s good to have an active fantasy life. To dream of doing things you’d never actually do in the paint is a stress reliever and — even though you’d never actually carry out your fantasy — it’s good for your mental health.

For instance, I have a fantasy about winning the Texas lottery. In this fantasy, I proceed to use the money to rent a C5 Galaxy and crew, then I hire four illegal immigrants to load my selected cargo on-board.

After loading, we’d fly to my destination, and I’d hang off the back ramp, one arm around an uber-kitten in a black leather trenchcoat and high-heels, me bellowing, “That’s how we do a fatwa in Texas, you sonsa[deleted]!”, as she pours swigs of 25-year-old bourbon down my throat and my faithful illegal immigrants heave 270,000 pounds of pig carcasses off the back ramp at tree-top level over an un-named Arabic city.

Might take a couple of passes to get all 270,000 pounds out, come to think.

See, that’s a fantasy. Nice little day-dream about doing things that are normally unthinkable — in this case, there is no way I’d ever find an uber-kitten who’d be willing to pour booze and wear a black leather trenchcoat.

But, it does make for a nice little day-dream.


So much for Outdoor Life
Here we bloody go again.

35 thoughts on “Fantasies”

  1. I do rather enjoy that image myself.

    Nice going. Here’s to the Lottery.


  2. I like the lottery part! Now, for the rest of my fantasy, well…’s too hot to tell!!

    Arabic city covered with pig bodies……NICE!! Hell, go one further…skin the pigs and wrap the muslim terrorists with them, tell ’em it’s a spa treatment that hell requires upon entry.

  3. You win the lottery, I’ll get you the uber Kitten and some good Irish whiskey! The trench coat is opyional.

  4. Tell ya’ll the version I like… line up a whole bunch of C-130’s and C-117’s and anything else configured to spray… line ’em up wingtip to wingtip spraying aerosoled lard over Saudi Arabia, Syria, Iran, and a few other muslim countries.

    mustanger98 on THR

  5. Senseless waste of perfectly good pork. I suggest 270,000 lbs of well rotted pig guts, we can do this several times a month. Call it agricultural aid.

    Yeah, that’s the ticket………agricultural aid.

    Gerry N.

  6. LawDog, ol’ son…

    If you got the cash, I promise you that I can find the UberKitten. Remember, I go to grad school and spend a fair amount of time on a college campus. Hang out near the Art building, and half the chicks walking in are wearing black. Half of those are wearing trenchcoats. A good half of that subsect are reeking of some alcoholic beverage or another; why not introduce ’em to good bourbon? (Well, the half that’s over 21, at least. By my count, that’s a 16th of the women walking around, or 1/32 of the student population. When they’re fit, 21, and wearing the apparrel of your choosing and brandishing a bottle of good hootch, they’re all uber kitties.)

    -MG out.

  7. I can name the city…Teheran, but…it wouldnt be pork I’d be droppin. more like high explosives.
    with ball bearings included for free.
    let them see how THEY like it.

  8. oh..and damascus would get a visit too.
    but thats just a fantasy.
    reality is a lil more bleak lawdog.
    Unfortunately we’re going to try and play their game by our rules…and now with liberals in control of the congress, it’ll be like asking a shark to eat us in chum ridden water.
    We STILL owe Iran some pain for the hostages they took from the embassy way back when.

  9. RE: Tower Tales

    If you put it that way, doesn’t Iran owe you big time for those made in maryland biological/chemical weapons you gave Saddam for use in his war on them?

    That was the last time they were to war btw, when Iraq attacked them, also no Al-Qaeda connections, and the CIA says that even if they had a nuclear weapons program(no proof they do) they wouldn’t be ready until 2017 at the earliest. I what lies Bush will come up with when he wants to attack them.

  10. Speaking of fantasies, I have certain travel plans that begin with “I’m not going to..” and end with “unless I’m leading a coloumn of tanks in to conquer/destroy it”.
    Some of these locations are a bit hot for leather trenchcoats for the kittens however.

  11. Lawdog, that was the sickest, strangest and most disturbing thing I’ve ever read.

    It’s people like you that make life great.

    It’s only a shame there aren’t more like you over here in Scotland.

  12. Kateykakes, how did I KNOW you were going to volunteer?
    Tower Tales, it was ’79 and I was glued to the TV. Ted Koppell got his start doing nightly updates after the local 10 o’clock news for ABC. The Daddy of one of my oldest and dearest friends was in Libya at the time working for Mobil as a Project Accountant. He got pulled out double quick!
    Matt, get out of my head!
    Dog, it’s really amazing isn’t it, how easily your fantasies can become reality?

  13. you forgot a pound of AmFo, a pound of ball bearings, and a detonator shoved up the arse of the carcass. gotta spread the love doncha know….

  14. A waste of perfectly good pork, I think.

    Certain as yet un-named Arabic cities have ALREADY defiled themselves by allowing – ENCOURAGING – their inhabitants to spill innocent blood in the name of “ALLAH the MERCIFUL”.

    Raining pigs would be too good for them once ALLAH the MERCIFUL gets through with them.

    Sodom & Gommorah come to mind.

  15. “I can name the city…Teheran, but…it wouldnt be pork I’d be droppin. more like high explosives.
    with ball bearings included for free.
    let them see how THEY like it. “

    Yeah! Let’s see how they like having their nation’s largest city bombed with indiscriminate weapons that will kill women and children and guys who are just trying to get to work!!! Right on!!

    Buuuut…? Wait a sec? When did Iran do that?

    Oh, I fully get that the Shiites are behind about 80-90% of the radical Islamic-motivated terrorism, and that the seat of the Shi’ia sect is in Persia. I understand that their govemernment is a theocracy based on Shiite doctrine. I even believe that materiel from the Iranian government is being directed against US military forces.

    But how would that equate to bombing cities of people with explosives?? I’m just asking.

  16. And pork rinds. Don’t forget to take a bunch of packages of pork rinds, the spicy kind. They go great with scotch. Don’t dump them overboard, though. Eat ’em and heave the empty packaging. Insult to injury, y’know?

  17. Churchill said: “If you must kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.” Why offend people? If you must eventually kill them, then dealing them a symbolic injury now puts you and anyone associated with you at risk. If you won’t have to kill them, then why foster mutual hatred? The whole daydream seems silly. Just get the trench-coat kitten and enjoy her company instead…otherwise, people observing you spending your energy on pork-tossing when a sex-kitten is available and eager would wonder why you ignore her…unable or unwilling?

  18. I say if you are preparing to send a man to hell, you should make sure he is ready for the journey, and make sure he is fully aware of his ultimate destination. No point getting his hopes up after all…

  19. Oleg, I love you like a brother, but you missed the point by a country mile.

    It’s a fantasy. A day-dream — that nice little bit of mental work in which we get to do action-movie-type stuff and are always the hero.

    Yes, if God were to drop a trench-coat-clad uber-kitten in my lap right now, flying off to yard-dart foreign cities would be the last thing on my mind.

    Not to mention the fact that an open back deck of a C5 at tree-top level is hazardous to high-heels; there’s very little chance only my arm could prevent said uber-kitten from getting tossed; slip-stream would make poured booze become worn booze; ain’t no one going to be able to hear me bellow anything over wind and engine noise; off-loading 270,000 pounds of anything using four Mexicans is going to require days — re-fuelling becomes something of an issue, not to mention that hanging over a hostile target that long would probably get me downed by an old man in a Piper Cub tossing frozen chickens; and Lord knows that the US military ain’t gonna let me borrow a C5 anyway.

    That’s why it’s a fantasy, brother.

  20. I’d like to read these but the two links with the quote and apology don’t work for me…have other links?

  21. Why not just dump two clusters of BLU-82’s. One lot on Mekka and another one on Medina. You could fit about 18 in a C30 galaxy.

    You will get more respect that way, observe if you like:

    The United States offers democracy to the Muslim world, and is universally hated.

    Putin destroys an entire Muslim country (Chechnya), then puts the butcher Ramzan Kadyrov in place to wipe out the rest of the jihaddi’s and Putin is welcomed as a friend by the Saudis.

    The question begs itself: who better understands the Islamic world, Vladimir Putin or George W Bush?

  22. “in this case, there is no way I’d ever find an uber-kitten who’d be willing to pour booze and wear a black leather trenchcoat.”

    Got one.

    Not sharing;-)

    But unless the pigs land on anyone, you’d accomplish nothing more than you’d accomplish here with the same thing.

    People need to hurry up and learn about Islam, instead of repeating the same folk myths, before it destroys us.

  23. “If you put it that way, doesn’t Iran owe you big time for those made in maryland biological/chemical weapons you gave Saddam for use in his war on them?”

    Saddam was never sold any US weapons of any kind.

    Thanks for being a dumbass and repeating stupid propaganda.

  24. “The question begs itself: who better understands the Islamic world, Vladimir Putin or George W Bush?”

    Yup. They understand strength. Negotiation = weakness.

    You beat them to the ground, put in the boot, urinate on them, clap them in irons and have them ritually raped by rabid yaks, and wait until they BEG for negotiation.

    Because if you’re asking to negotiate, “AHA! THEY’RE WEAK!”

    Read about what happened when Israel agreed to 90% of what Arafatso asked for.

    “If they’re this accommodating now, wait until I set off a few bombs!”

    You can’t be an equal to an Arab. You can be a ruler, or a slave. This isn’t Islamic. They’ve been that way since Xenophon wrote March of the Ten Thousand.

  25. I don’t know if I classify as uber-kitten, but I’m 19, with red-hair and a nice figure. That said, I’d be *gleefully* happy to pour bourbon and wear a black leather trenchcoat, if it meant the opportunity to see a city or two made ceremonially (and literally) unclean.

  26. Hello,

    I’ll be the first to admit that the radical Moslems (many of whom, like in Iran, the Horn of Africa and Southeast Asia, are not Arab, btw) are our deadly enemies. Unfortunately, many idiots (and even a few non-idiots) in the U.S. – let alone Europe – don’t seem to realize that.

    We will need to use force – much more than we have been doing – to be taken seriously by the people who wish us only death.

    On the other hand, yes, LawDog, I know your post is about a fantasy. But it’s still disgusting to post about going out of your way to offend the religious beliefs of millions of people who have done us no harm.

    You have a constitutional right to talk about such feelings off the job. But it’s still bigoted.


    Jeff Deutsch

  27. I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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