Just shoot me now.

By way of good friend Peter, we get some … esoteric … news out of Sweden.

I can honestly say that this one has never happened to me before.

Seems like a couple decided to spice up their pat-and-tickle by way of a set of handcuffs.

Things went as these things usually do — up until the post-coital un-cuffing, at which time the husband found out that the key didn’t fit the handcuffs.

After, and I quote “Prolonged attempts to un-cuff his better half” unquote, the husband apparently decided that expert assistance was required.

And who knows more about handcuffs than the local police?

Ye gods.

Wait! It gets worse. The keys supplied by the helpful locals didn’t fit either — so the PD helped the old boy saw the cuffs off of his lady.

The absolute topper on the cake, though, was the reaction of the local gardai:

“‘We view this purely as a service. It usually happens about once a year,’ said Andersson.”

Oh. My. Gawd.

Gentlemen, the lesson here is to keep the Seven Ps* firmly in mind when it comes to your recreational activities.


*Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

The 2006 Stella Awards are out.

14 thoughts on “Just shoot me now.”

  1. Huh, I always thought the usual crime fiction plaint “I can’t find THE handcuff key.” was a weak gimmick, all I have seen were alike. Apparently the Swedes do things differently.

  2. From the the Swedish folks I’ve met I’m surprised the local police didn’t stay for seconds 😉

  3. Reminds me of the story – I don’t know if it’s true, but it should be – of the NAS Stateside Base Police being called to base housing to investigate a woman screaming. Breaking into the house they found, just outside the bedroom door, a small 4 foot trampoline. Just inside the same bedroom door they found an unconscious male wearing nothing but a Superman cape and sporting a huge gash on the top of his head. His ladyfriend was tied firmly to the bedpost screaming her head off. Apparently when Superman flew in to the rescue, he managed to hit the doorframe mid-leap and required 15 stitches to sew up the gap in his head.
    Man of Steel indeed.

  4. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I use rope. Rope with safety knots. The little lady loves it.

  5. Hahahahahaha!! I am so dying laughing. Thanks, LD. This story was a good tonic. I’m headed out to Seattle next Sunday for some medical testing, and needless to say, I’ve been as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof. Thanks for the laugh and natural sedative. It’s much appreciated!! Hee hee! I’ll be laughing over this one for awhile.

  6. Y’know, handcuffs aren’t really designed to be comfortable – in fact, just the opposite. They’re designed to prevent someone from getting free, and they get more painful the more you struggle. NOT what you really want during sex…

    Leather restraints are much more comfortable.

  7. As Flintlock Tom mentioned, the entire plot of one of Stephen King’s books, Gerald’s Game, deals with a woman who’s handcuffed to a bed when her husband dies of a heart attack.

    Stuff like that isn’t exactly common, but neither is it unheard of. So, if you haven’t checked the keys and/or if you partner is likely to drop dead, find a new kink. It’s less embarassing that way.

  8. There is a certain legend around my workplace, involving a certain Former Lieutenant who happened to live in staff housing on the grounds of a federal prison at an undisclosed location in Texas.

    Said Former Lieutenant called the Control Center one night in the wee earlies, and said his wife would be coming up with one of his chits to get a handcuff key, and that No Questions Should Be Asked.

    Yeah… that stayed secret!

  9. Hey, at least it’s not as embarassing as the taped-up gerbil stories I hear from your side of the pond.

    Of course I’m still wondering why the guy didn’t go get a pair of cutters out of his toolbox, instead of calling the police… Heck some heavy duty scissors could at least take care of the chain between the cuffs, getting her free, albeit with some “fashion statement” bracelets.

  10. Kerious, NO, the steel used in Handcuff chain, like the steel used in the manufacture of jail bars is specially formulated to be VERY difficult to cut. It has a large amount of Molybdenum in the alloy which makes it cold work VERY easily. The strokes of a hacksaw are enough to cold work it.

  11. You can remove handcuffs with a standard recip saw that we carry on the rescue truck…..yes we were called….yes we freed the couple.

  12. I’m willing to bet that the love bugs were using the “fake” handcuffs that are made by Abdul in a cave in Pakistan or something.

    Standard keys don’t fit them.

    I’m also willing to go double or nothing (if I am wrong on #1) that the couple DID NOT have a set of super-high security type restraints (the kind that they like to use in cases where it is likely that one of the critters may have made/stolen/”internally cached” a standard handcuff key, and so use a different pattern.


  13. Speak for yourself, Ross.

    Frankly I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

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