By way of my friend Peter, we learn of the romantic adventures — and tactical lessons — of a Louisiana critter.
There is a Class 1 Beverage Alert in effect.
A few tactical lessons learned from an incident this weekend:
1. If you’re a young, horny teenage male who wants to get it off in the worst possible way, do not get a school ‘friend’ to introduce you to a pretty girl without checking on the background of said girl. In the absence of such checks a few salient facts might go unnoticed.
2. It is not a good idea to take your friend and said girl in your car to a ‘movie’, drop your friend at the door to buy tickets, and instead of parking the car, drive out of the cinema parking lot and down the road.
3. It’s not a good idea to turn off onto a dirt road, stop the car, expose yourself and brag about how good a time you’re going to give her.
4. It’s an even worse idea to expose yourself when the girl in question has been well and truly informed by her parents of the effects of grabbing and squeezing (in a distinctly non-erotic manner). This error is compounded when she has naturally long, sharp nails.
5. When the young lady leaves your car and runs back to the main road, after you’ve unwrapped yourself from around the steering wheel and stopped crying, it’s not a good idea to try to go after her by initiating a three-point reverse on a Louisiana single-lane dirt-track road when there’s a bayou off to the side where you’re reversing.
6. Having swum to shore and wrung your clothes out, it’s not a good idea to go chasing after the girl screaming (at the top of your lungs) what you’re about to do to her . . . particularly when the nice policeman (who happens to be her godfather) has just spotted her at the roadside, pulled up, got out of his car, and is listening to her tale of the night’s adventures.
7. When said policeman remonstrates with you (as politely as possible under the circumstances) about your intentions and advises you to “cool it”, it’s a really, REALLY bad idea to tell him that he’s a “****-sucking pig-*** mother******”, that you know your rights, and that he can’t do a ****ing thing to you. He may take this as an invitation to demonstrate to you the depths of your error of judgment.
8. When handcuffed and in the rear seat of the nice policeman’s vehicle (once again in a pain-wracked state) it’s the height of folly to inform the policeman and the girl (now sitting in the front seat) that your daddy’s gonna fix his *** for him, but good. It’s an even worse idea to tell him your daddy’s name and address when he inquires about it. You see, your daddy has a string of felony convictions as long as you wish a certain portion of your anatomy was, and he’s got an outstanding warrant right now.
9. When the nice policeman nods gravely at the flow of insulting comment and asks “Is your daddy home right now?”, your daddy (under the circumstances) may not be too pleased if you answer “Yes”.
10. When the nice policeman and the young lady in the front seats look at each other and break into hysterical laughter while the nice policeman reaches for his microphone and calls for backup, you might begin to get an inkling that you’ve just compounded your earlier errors.
11. After a brief interval, when your daddy’s placed in the back seat alongside you (also in handcuffs) and, amid much profanity and muttering, wonders aloud how the “****ing cops knew he was at home”, it’s the crowning glory of your evening’s errors to tell him that you told them he was at home.
12. This will lead to several large, hairy policemen standing around the patrol car having hysterics whilst your infuriated father tries to bite your ear off (with considerable, albeit only partial, success).
13. When you and your daddy have eventually been booked in at the jail, and both of you demand loudly to make bail, it’s not polite to scream with horror when informed that the young lady’s father is – guess what?- the judge who will be considering your bail application, but he can’t come right now as he’s listening to his daughter tell him about her evening. Don’t worry – he’ll be along shortly.