Hey! You! Off my planet!

Just out of sense of macabre curiosity, once in a while I’ll drift through Reuters “Oddly Enough” page.

Today I notice that a Chinese couple is attempting to name their newest sprog “@”.

Nope, that’s not a typo. They are attempting to name their child after the “at” symbol found in e-mail addresses around the world.

This is fresh on the heels of the New Zealand couple who, foiled in their attempt to name their child “4Real”, instead named him “Superman”.

Which beats out the previous contestants — a couple in Sweden who wanted to name their baby girl “Metallica”.

I suppose I shouldn’t whinge — after all, America is the home of Kal-el Coppola Cage, Moon Unit Zappa, Fifi Trixibelle Geldof, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence and last — but certainly not least —GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman.


Am I the only person who foresees a crowd of grade-school kids chanting, “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s …” just before third grader Kal-el Cage or Superman Wheaton is yard-darted into the turf from the top level of the football bleachers by a pack of sixth graders?

Children are sweet. Children in large packs are savage, vicious and sadistic little heathens who live by the Law of the Jungle.

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman.


Might as well tie a rib-eye around that kids neck and send him out to play with the rottweilers now — let him get used to the treatment before he gets to elementary school.

When my legions of flying monkeys complete my Plan for World Domination, this bushwa is going to stop.

And because I will be a libertarian despotic tyrant, I won’t even order folks not to hang silly-arsed names on their children.

No, I will simply open a folder for each child stuck with an unfortunately cocked-over name. Inside this folder, I will place several pre-signed, blank conspiracy warrants and two pre-signed pardons.

And every time little Kal-el gets punched in the mouth (“From Krypton, huh?” Pow! “Guess not, loser!”) or young Superman gets thrown off the bleachers (“If you’re really Superman, you should be able to fly!”), then Mama and Daddy get arrested for Conspiring To Make A Child’s Life A Living Hell, and are punished along with the heathens.

The pardons will come into play when young GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman finally loses his grip on his mud and sets his parents bed on fire. One pardon for one criminal act committed upon each parent.

It’s only fair. Not only that, but as your Emperor, it will be my solemn duty to ensure that stupidity — especially blatant stupidity of this calibre — hurts.


One hundred years

45 thoughts on “Hey! You! Off my planet!”

  1. Excellent plan, your Eminence.

    May I humbly request we add to the list of stupid things that should be made to hurt those college students who loudly proclaim in the middle of a class, while the instructor is going over the attendance requirements portion of the syllabus: “What?!? If we don’t come to class it effects our GRADE?? That is just not cool!”

    Pretty please?

  2. I dunno. I recall that about 30-odd years ago there was a spate of children named for the protagonist of an early landmark mini-series, and I have yet to meet an adult who will cop to being named “Kunta Kinte”. For example.

  3. Don’t forget “Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette”, daughter of Penn (of “Penn & Teller).

  4. Just catching up on your writings after a half month of unintentional primitive living. So sorry to hear of your run-in with the sharp hooker. No … I just lied – I laughed my arse off. Thank you, I needed to know that I am not the only one who does stuff like that and has the nerve to admit it later.

  5. These are certainly “punch my lights out and take my lunch money names”.

  6. Johnny Cash described a just revenge on such parents in “A Boy Named Sue”.

    I think I like your plan better. It’s more … uh … ‘multi-tasking’, like.

  7. I guess I should quit whining about my real name, it’s really not so bad after reading those names. Please, please tell me that Fifi Trixibelle is the name of a fru-fru dog. A parent should be shot for naming their child that. Nevermind Gwenyth Paltrow naming her daughter, Apple. Geez! What a fruity name. (See, it’s starting already, and it’s not just kids who can be vicious)

  8. Kid on my school bus names by his parents: So Happy Day. He is now in middle school and has managed to make his chosen nickname stick. Using the clue that I bought him a book about a flying General af the Army Air Force, you can guess what his last name is. 😀


  9. There is a child in the same grade as my son named, um, Shithead. His parents pronounce it shu-thed. My mother works at the school and was flabbergasted when he strolled through her lunch line the first day of school. She tends to call the kids by their first names, but not that one.

  10. IIRC, Hap Arnold’s given first name was Henry. “So Happy Day” got dealt lemons and I guess he’s making lemonade. That said, the “Boy Named Sue” sure makes a lot more sense.

    Hey, I was given a first name that doubles for boys and girls. And it was only really popular for a short time back in the ’70’s. When I was in school, I got called just about everything for having my name.

    mustanger98 on THR

  11. I had it figured for General Daniel “Chappie” James, of “Blackman and Robin” fame.

  12. Check out “mostly cajun”‘s blog, search for his “name game” posts.


    Some of them remind me of the text I have to type to post.


    Some of these people need a serious beating.

    Lately there’s been a spate of The Diversity naming their kids “Nevaeh” — “Heaven” spelled backwards.

    Why not go all-out and name her “Resol” or “Rehtom-Eraflew-Erutuf” or name their sons “Drib’Liaj”, “Regnab’Gnag” and “Guht”?



  13. Should have seen the names of the poor kids I grew up with that had crazy hippy parents.

    I felt badly for Peaceflower, Star-sky and boo

  14. On the Superman kid … the government wouldn’t let them name him 4real, but would they have objected to Fourreal? My name is Michael, but I go by Mike … couldn’t little Fourreal go by 4real?

    And that leads me to my second though … I don’t know what irks me more, the fact that some stupid parents name their kids stupid things or that some stupid governments think its their job to “approve” childrens’ names.

  15. Oh and I forgot to mention … these stupid names aren’t limited to the lower classes.

    Bill Lear did two notable things … he single-handedly created the “business jet” industry and he named his daughter Shanda.

  16. If it doesn’t come from the Holy Bible or English Literature or Western Tradition it isn’t a proper name for a child.

    You want a proper name for a child go that route.

    If you want to appear different take a stroll through the old section of the oldest cemeteries of your area. They had great old fashioned names that you don’t hear anymore that would be great of you want to have a more uncommon name for your child.

    For the love of god no more trendy modern names. Please.

  17. Sometimes when parents give a child a perfectly good name, like Jennifer they have to spell it in a way that makes it special. I had a girl in my class who spelled it:


    BTW, I have a son. His name is Joe.

  18. I had a student named “Maddasynn Tiffanee” once. Destined to swing around a brass pole, just by her name.

    I HATE creative spellings for names.

    Then again, I also had a student who had the least name of “Schmuck.”

  19. My wife is pregnant now, and if it is a boy, he is being named after both Grandfathers…Michael Henry. The worst name I know of is my cousins first daughter…Abcde, pronounced Ab-suh-dee.

  20. I like the old, Puritain names.

    Increase Mather, Preserved King. My personal favourites are Armour-of-God and Retribution.

  21. I can understand why this would annoy someone who was named LawDog….

    Must’ve been rough growing up


  22. My niece attends a school in a suburb of Dallas with the Fish sisters: Angel and Star. Mum told me about it because they were both recognized in the end-of-year awards ceremony a couple months ago.

    There’s also the fad for alternative spellings of common names. And what’s up with giving girls boy-names? I don’t get it.

  23. A teacher I know said one year on the first day of class she was calling out the roll and got to a name, paused, and skipped over it.

    When she finished she asked `Did I leave anyone out?’

    A little boy waves his hand in the air.

    `And what is your name?’

    Shi-thead Miller

  24. Yup…I’ve had friends name their kids Coyote and AhNeeWah…and they were city dwelling non-Native American types…just hippies.

    Should we open a home for the Nomenclaturally Challenged?

    Doug in Colorado

  25. “GoldenPalaceDotCom” – That’s a Chinese restaurant around here, they’re shake-down artists, lawyers trying to give their kid an instant trust-fund.

  26. Read about a lady who named her kid Heffelump (as in Pooh’s Heffelumps and Woozles).

    Met a lady named Princess.

    Had a friend who taught in an elementary school, one of the kids was named Prezident (please note the z–and that’s the only one I remember even tho it was one of the more mild ones).

    Given that I could have been tagged w/ Gertrude Eunice, I don’t say much about what I did get tagged with.

  27. I grew up insisting to everyone who would listen, “No, it’s a boy’s name!”

    But my problems paled in comparison to some kids I went to school with. There were the twin girls named Felicia and Panilla Wafer, and five boys, from oldest to youngest, named Percy, Mercy, Cercy, Lercy and Clyde.

  28. Then, of course, are the probably apocryphal stories of Twinna and Twinnba who were named by the hospital… (Twin A and Twin B)

  29. I like to wonder aloud, “You know, why didn’t they just name their kid KickMyAssInTheLockerRoom?”

    Kid in another teacher’s room: XTIAN. Think X-Mas. Yup! It’s Christian!

    Of course these damned kids can’t read! XJQYR does NOT spell Frank!

  30. William the Coroner, don’t forget Female(pronounced Fem-Ollie), also named by the hospital. Or, the black or hispanic girls named Placenta, Vagina, or Chlamydia. Nope, not kidding! Former OB RN, and you hear all the stories. Of course, when I worked as an RN, pretty much every female baby was Ashley, Nicole, and usually, Ashley Nicole, and everyone thought they had picked such a unique name. We didn’t have the heart to tell them there were 3 other Ashley Nicole’s in the nursery.

  31. I went to school with a black girl called Kunqueesha. Oh how we loved that. Pronounced Kun-Kwee-Shuh


    I hope her parents were proud of themselves for the relentless obscene torture they made their daugter endure.

  32. Oooh! My favorite old school Putitan name: Praise-God Barebone

    Yep, he was a real person.

  33. This reminds me of a phenomenon in online games. You meet endless variations of spelling of the name Legolas. But what really boggles the mind, is people who can’t even muster that degree of imagination, which results in meeting, for example, a dark elf character named “darkeelf”.

  34. Man, and I thought I went overboard with naming my youngest Devin. I even made sure he could go by D.J. if need be.

  35. Augustus Owsley Stanley the Third, did not pass on his name to his son, but instead named him Starfinder Stanley. Starf is now a successful veterinarian with a specialty practice in San Francisco, a city his father made famous back in the ’60s.

  36. hsbsusxAn there was the woman in east Nashville about 20 years ago who named her little girl “Lasagna”.

    Her brother, “Pajamas”.

    They weren’t Italian.


  37. I don’t know what irks me more, the fact that some stupid parents name their kids stupid things or that some stupid governments think its their job to “approve” childrens’ names.

    If the government is going to interfere, after the baby is born is much too late. Parents who’d give such names to their kids should have been sterilized in elementary school.


  38. I have a former in-law named Charmin – yes, just like the toilet paper. I don’t know what trauma she endured in her life – got the divorce about the time she was born.
    The misguided parents heard a CW song, and thought everyone would remember that, instead of “Don’t Squeeze”

  39. And I thought Andromeda Dawn (she goes by “Ande”) was a rough name….

    Then again, I also had a student who had the least name of “Schmuck.”

    We had a guy named Schmuck on my last boat. Gary Sinise toured the boat when we were on deployment a few years ago, and thought it was a great name.

    And what’s up with giving girls boy-names? I don’t get it.

    Beverly, Evelyn, Meredith….

    Used to work with a girl whose brothers’s names – not nicknames, mind you, names – were Stoney and Woody.

    (Word verification for this post is oquyog – how’s that for a name?)

  40. I named my first son David.

    You’re welcome.

    Also, my wife teaches elementary school. In her school are 4 brothers, all with exactly the same name. (I don’t remember) All of them have behavioral problems. All of them.


  41. i reckon my daughter got off easy when i named her “lili marlene” the worst she ever got was an old german vet, from the other side, checking her name tag at an office party and asking “sie heisse ‘lili marlene’?”

  42. Does “sie heisse” just mean “your name is”? Sorry, I don’t speak German or much of anything else other than English.

    BTW, regarding another posted comment about using the word verifications for names, it *may* beat another suggestion that loser parents spell “thug”, “gang banger”, “loser”, and “jailbird” backwards and use them for names.

    mustanger98 on THR

  43. Sorry for dragging up an old thread – I'm reading through the archives having recently discovered LawDog.

    One I encountered while driving a school bus in my younger days – "Endesha" – spelled N-A. Yes, literally en-dash-a with the hyphen "said" and the a short.

    And I knew of a rock band with two guys named Steve. One spelled it "Stev5" to differentiate. In an interview he explained "if every other Steve in the world can have a silent "E" at the end of his name, why can't I have a silent "5".

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