By way of e-mail, my friend Peter sends some news to warm the cockroaches of our hearts:
Tactical advice for those intending to rob the Santa-Claus-outfit-wearing Salvation Army volunteers at shopping malls.
1. In this part of the country, those Santa’s are rednecks. Large rednecks. With an attitude to match.
2. When you and your homie stick a gun in Santa’s face and demand, “Gimme the bucket!” he might take you precisely and exactly at your word. Literally.
3. As you watch your homie lying on the ground, bucket over his head and Santa stomping it flat onto his (unlovely) features, it’s not a good idea to forget that you’re within grabbing range of Santa – or to let your gun hand sag to your side.
4. Failure to observe #3 above will result in an infuriated Santa holding your head in an armlock under his left arm while, with his right hand, he beats you heavily over the bonce with his festive Christmas bell. This musical accompaniment, whilst no carol, is nevertheless pleasing to the bystanders’ ears. The same might be said about your screams.
5. When passing shoppers stop, gather around and start applauding Santa’s actions, it’s not a good idea to yell at them that they’re mother[deleted] [deleted] and beg them to make this [deleted] stop hitting you. This may – nay, gentle reader, this WILL – encourage some of them to offer to help Santa with the hitting . . . and encourage him to accept their offer.
6. When responding cops arrive, rush up to the scene with guns drawn, and promptly sag to the ground in hysterics while ignoring your pleas for help, it’s not a good idea to swear at them in words of distinctly non-festive hue. This will result in their handling the rest of your interaction in a less than sympathetic manner (drawing further cheers from the by now numerous onlookers).
7. As you languish (with your battered homie) in the back of an ambulance, both of you being treated by the medics for bleeding from the head, it’s particularly galling to see Santa’s now somewhat battered bucket being filled to overflowing by cheering shoppers and the responding police officers, all of whom seem rather in a rather more more festive and cheerful mood now than they did before you made your move.
8. And a merry Redneck Christmas to both of you, idiots. Ho-ho-ho.