[Deleted] Writers Block!

Dammit, dammit, dammit.

“Just blog about anything” They say. “Write whatever comes to mind.”


Easy for Them to say.

Whatever comes to mind.

Okay. I’d like to thank whomever came up with this stuff. I don’t know about the “Anti-Aging” part, but by Freyja, with a thick coat I can actually stay out for an hour or so without spontaneously combusting. ‘Course, by “thick coat” I mean that the 8oz bottle is good for about four applications.

*scratch, scratch*

‘Bout six weeks ago, I was walking into the house, when I noticed a scrap of carpet on the front fence. Being in a bit of a tidy mood, I walked over to dispose of it and discovered another kitten. It was flea-ridden and starved to the point that it didn’t even make a sound or a move when I picked it up.

One day I must find the “Sucker Lives Here” sign on the front door and remove it.

About a week of touch-and-go there, and the sprite made a fairly impressive recovery — enough so that I took him to the vet for the shots and other sundries that an eight-to -ten-week-old kitten requires.

Now, before we get into the meat of this story, bear in mind that the feline in question was — at the time — barely bigger than the palm of my hand. Got a mental image? Good.

So. I pack up said bit of fluff, and we show up at the vet’s office, him being in full-bore Adorable Mode and being such a tiny little thing — what could possibly go wrong?

Shows how much I know about cats.

Said vet looks over kitten, and makes a general statement to the point that it would be best for the other cat if we tested said kitten for feline leukemia. The vet goes further to assure me that this test “is nothing” and requires “just a bit of blood”.

I thought it passing strange that the vet gently demurred in allowing me — with several decades of experience in holding animals far larger than a palm-sized kitten — to assist in this little blood-drawing experience, instead summonsing his aide who promptly gently took the little bit out of my hands, laid him on the steel table and proceeded to grab an amazing amount of the scruff of his neck.

My paw to Freyja — there was more fur in the aide’s fist than there was left on the kitten.

I was about to opine something along the lines of, “Hey, he weighs a pound and a half. Is this really …” when I noticed that my kitten was making a new kind of noise. One that I’d really not ever heard before. It was an odd sort of noise, somewhat like a very small, very distant, monumentally pissed-off chainsaw. Running full bore.

I’m not exactly sure, but I believe that the translation of this is: “Now I am become Shiva, the Shatterer of Worlds.”

Folks, when your housepet starts quoting ancient religious texts, rest assured that someones day is about to get Very Interesting, Indeed. Trust me on this one.

Well, the vet took a deep breath, leaned forward, slid the needle into my kittens leg …

Have y’all seen Terminator 2? Remember the part where Ah-nold slammed the evil terminator face-first into the wall, and the evil terminator kind of shimmered and then his front moved to his back?

That little kitten promptly retracted all of his limbs and other assorted protuberances, rotated inside his skin, popped back 180 degrees out from original position and proceeded to enthusiastically bury five of his six ends in the vet’s arm.

A long, shocked pause, and then the vet remarked, quite coolly and calmly — as if, in point of fact, he didn’t have blood dripping out from under an enraged black hairball attached to his forearm — “I hate it when they do that.”

Sayeth the aide: “OhMyGawd.”

Kitten: “Mmmrrraaaaooowwwrrrr.” Which, of course, translates as: “From Hell’s heart I stab at thee! For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!”

The fact that my cat can quote Melville disturbs me more than an ability to quote the Bhagavad-Gita. Which probably says unsettling things about me.

Vet: “We’re in, loosen the tourniquet. The tourniquet. Loosen the tourniquet.”

Aide: “Sweet Jesus, you’re bleeding!”

Kitten: “You cockaroaches! I bury you! You wanna play rough, okay! Say hello to my little friends!”

Vet: “These things happen, get the tourniquet loose or we’re going to have to do this all over again.”

Aide: “Got it!”

Kitten: “I can haz arteries, [deleted]!”

Vet: “That’s probably enough. Get the vial off the end. The vial. Yes, the vial. For Christ’s sake, don’t drop it.”

Aide: “Got it!”

Vet: “That’s good. Get it to the lab. Sir, would you kindly help get your [deleted]ing cat off my arm?”

Bit of tussling later, and we’ve got one homicidal, yet terminally cute, furball back into the Cat Crate. Ten minutes later, the vet comes back — covered knuckle to elbow in Spongbob Squarepants band-aids — to announce that kitten is leukemia free and then squints somewhat woozily at the calendar.

“Well, he’ll need to come back in three weeks for shots. Hmm. Linda! When’s that snotty intern supposed to be in?”

“Monday through Wednesday for the next two months!” comes a bellow from the front desk.

“Sir, feel free to bring your furry little cusinart in on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday the third week from today.”

*sigh* Wonderful.

*scratch, scratch*

Well, hopefully that broke the old Writers Block. We’ll see.


The snark is strong with this one.
CowTown Cop

92 thoughts on “Arrgghh!”

  1. *laughing* You describe cats quite well…I surely miss my two fuzzies.

    We would have to wrap Shredder (she lived up to her name!) in a towel when we took her to the vet. You’d generally wrap her up, leave one paw out for blood work, and keep a hold of the scruff of her neck as well as pinning her down…

    Then there was how I got the nickname ‘Cat Wrangler’ at our Fire Station…


  2. “I can has artery”, That would be funny if it wasn’t true. I’d say that cats are the spawn of the devil, except that they’d feel insulted and the devil is afraid of them.

  3. We had our cat spayed recently, and everyone at the vet’s office kept saying how sweet and friendly she was. I’m fairly well convinced there must have been a friendly and sweet cat that looked like her in that day, and they were confusing the two. And after spending two weeks giving her medicine because of the reaction she had to her stitches, I’m also fairly well convinced she and your kitten are pen pals, or something. They must be sharing strategies with each other somehow.

  4. *snort* I love cats.

    Viewed axially, you have a centreline device for removing divots of flesh followed by two symmetric pairs of penatrative trauma dispensers and terminating which a dual-mode centreline chem launcher.

    But they’re so cute!

  5. Well sure, but they stabbed him. How could he let some big bully get away with such abuse without reprisal?

  6. Is it bad that I feel sad about the kitteh?? The vet learned never underestimate a wee one;)

  7. Well, you sure made MY morning!
    Thankfully the coffee is not done brewing, or it would have gotten messy.

  8. Well crates dont help my old cat would grab intimate areas through the bars whilst the crate was held on the lap.

  9. Well, I don’t know about the writer’s block, but that post sure had me rolling. At the last vet we had in GA before we moved, we had to pick up tranquilizers before bringing her, or the vet wouldn’t see her. All 20 pounds of cat (declawed, btw) was too scary for the vet. It’s strange, though, as the vet here has no problems whatsoever. She doesn’t even growl or cry when she goes there.

  10. I needed a laugh this morning and that was a good one. Those cute little cats need to be watched.

  11. Welcome to the world of feral cat rescue. Back in May, we had a litter of feral kittens (~3 weeks old) come out from under our deck demanding to be picked up, fed and taken inside. They have all been adopted out now.

    BTW, how is the tiny terror you described doing?

  12. My mother in law has a cat like that…only she isn’t wee. She’s a very big cat…or a small lion ..however you choose to look at it. She puts her cat into a pillowcase to take her to the vet and they give her the shots right through it.

    What the hell do you feed your cats in Texas, anyway? Geez.

    My kitty is a killer..but of rodents, varmints and stuff…with people, she’s as loveable and sweet as can be.

  13. LD, Thanks for the heads up, I have to take my now 3 yr old furball to the vet on Saturday morning for her booster!

    She was almost like your little one was 36 months ago.

    Lucky Me!

  14. Hahaha…

    firey spitballs of death.

    yep, know them well. I’ve got the scars to prove it.

    so, where are the pictures?

  15. Dawg, you will never find the Magic Sucker sign. I’m here to tell you that it is tattooed in invisible-to-humans ink on your forehead. Trust me on this…I have a friend in your AO who runs a large dog rescue, and he has the doggy version of the mark on his forehead too. It doesn’t matter where he is, stray dogs gravitate towards him–they can see the S on his head!


  16. I own that kitteh’s older sister. Oddly enough our big Thom Cat’s a laid back ol’ dude that just continues to purr whilst the vet roughs him up. (Pix on the bottom of my blog.)

  17. Well, that was a great way to break out of writer’s block. I probably really shouldn’t read your blog at work, if for no other reason, because sooner or later I will be committed for laughing uncontrollably for no (apparent) reason.

    Hope you found your Muse.

  18. I’m not so concerned your cat quotes classic literature so much as she quotes lol cat. Means she already is on the computer when you are not around…and could come up with ideas.

  19. Sounds like you got a perfectly normal kitten to me: an entire medieval armory stored TARDIS-style inside a tiny cute fur coat.

    Well, almost normal. Bhagavad-Ghita is a fine and noble piece of work, right up there alongside Tao Te Ching and A Book of Five Rings. But meself, I’d wonder about any kitten that had such execrable taste as to read Melville…

  20. Kittens. There’s a reason God made them so adorable.

    It says a lot about humanity that we keep small predators as pets and eat the ones bred for sneaking up on vegetation.


  21. “I can haz arteries, [deleted]!”

    Love it ๐Ÿ™‚

    My kitty’s just the opposite; last time I took him to the vet he engaged in a very serious bout of “if-I-can’t-see-you-you-can’t-see-me” and proceded to bury his head in the crook of the vet’s elbow. Yeah, he doesn’t get let outside. Ever.

  22. ld .. writer’s block surely broken .. keep the good stories coming .. djs

  23. Melville? That sounds suspiciously like Khan Noonian Singh to me.

  24. Have you named the little kitty?

    From your description, “Cuisinart” might be a good choice.

  25. Once again, Lawdog gives us the TRUTH! Little cans of mayhem, equipped with cutlery, wrapped in a fur coat. Loved it!

  26. Is there some kitty school where they learn how to produce disturbing quotes? Our cat has roughly the same reaction, but with a few more years of experience and a few more pounds to back it up with. And a different, but to my eye no less disturbing, book of quotes.

  27. Kitty is presently called ‘Thing.’
    He and Ittycat are tearing up jack in the back room. It’s play, play, play, SLEEP, play, play, play, SLEEP, and so on.
    Thing and Ittycat are half-brothers, so they look a great deal alike, both black and silky, with white tummies and paws. Itty has big gold eyes, but Thing must have some Siamese, because his are that muddy yellow, not nearly as attractive as Itty’s. But lively. Very, very lively.

  28. I can relate to your cat stories.
    I have 6 cats. Only one is nuts.She needs prozac or what ever.

  29. ‘…used like the last of the damned!’ was probably translated from the original Kittenish by Achmed-I-Just-Get-These-Headaches immediately before the tenatacles struck.


  30. Like LawMom, I believe kitty has already named itself Khan. Go with it, lest Khan provide ancient Klingon quotes, too.

  31. LawDog, once again you’ve done wonders with words ……………… gotta go with “Cuisinart” for a name for it – “Cuis” {pronounced ‘kweeze’} for short …………….. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Seems you have the upper part of TX covered as “Kitteh Savior” – I seem to have the area NNE of Houston as my AO ……………….. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Semper Fi’

  32. Level-headed vet. After having been in the aide’s position more than a few times, I’ve learned that it’s usually better to let a pissy cat that’s inclined to latch on, latch on. It’s the ones with a more dynamic strategy that tend to create the true Clinic Holocausts.

    Seriously, give me a mean dog any day. They’re MUCH easier to restrain, even if the consequences for failure are more dire.

  33. Har har har!

    The real lesson here, beyond the wonderful storytelling, is that cuteness, or the lack thereof, is no indicator of possible threat.

  34. There is a good reason our little lady cat is named SpitFire.

    She was kicked out as a patient by the first vet we took her too. He was a country vet by trade and was used to handling all sorts of wild critters, but the 5 lb kitty was too much.

    Her second vet is much smarter. They sedate her before any and ALL procedures.

    oh, and she’s a gorgeous cat.

  35. Peek at her file when you take her back to the vet’s! I’ll bet donuts to dollars that she has a “red” tag attached to it.

    Our daughter, the Vet, has a red tag on all “Cuisinart” patients – just so she has fair warning!

    You big lug! Your kitten won the Powerball Home Lottery!

  36. This reminds me of how my granddad would un-man the boy cats on the farm by sticking their front end in a rubber boot, back legs protruding and held fast in the most undignified pose imaginable by another hardy soul, and then…

    Well, I’ll spare you the details, but maybe vet offices should employ the services of a rubber boot now and again, thus diminishing the flailing, spiky bits down to just the two? I’m sure blood could be taken from other parts than the scruff? How’s about that powderpuff thingie? I’ll bet you could get blood from that.

  37. *grips agonized sides*

    DAMMIT STINGRAY! Warn me I’m going to impel my ribs through my liver with hiccoughs of laughter before posting that kinda thing!

  38. LawDog,

    Next time take along a towel to wrap the little whirling dervish in. Wrap the kitty SECURELY. (I know, easier said than done)

    Sounds like your vet should invest in some of those leather “cat gloves”…the ones where the leather goes all the way up to the shoulder!

    As for you, yep, the local stray cat population has no doubt secretly marked your home with the “Sucker” sign, and you’ll never be able to find, much less remove it. That’s ’cause you’re an ol’ softie when it comes to the little furballs. Have fun with “Khan”

    1. Let me tell you a story about a very angry cat and a towel..nay, three towels.
      She was a grey tiger cat of smallish size, cute and adorable looking.
      She wasnt. All the neighborhood dogs, neighbors and cats had a very healthy fear… I mean respect for her. She beat the ever loving hell out of two pittbulls, leaving them bloodied and howling. They had made the mistake a couple hours earlier of chasing her, and that she-devil waited until the owners had tied them up then slunk down and taught them why you dont chase cats. By the way, this sweet lil kitty had the name of Velcro (more on this later).
      She decided they had had enough of teeth and claws and came back home where we checked her over for injuries. Nothing. The only blood was from the dogs.
      A few weeks later we noticed her ear looked inflamed and took her to the vet to get it checked out.
      Now Velcro and this vet had tangled before. He took one look in the carrier, heard that growl from Hell and saw the the narrowed yellow eyes and tells me "You stand back and let us wrap her in three towels. She wont be able to claw us through that."
      I asked if maybr he should sedate her first to which he replied "Oh no, shes a good cat. She'll be fine. Shes just a little afraid and not feeling well."
      I, knowing what demon was about to be unleashed in that examination room, stepped back away from the table like a coward and put a chair between me, the cat and vet.
      Now, i should explain why she was named Velcro. When angry she had a bad habit of hooking her claws as deep as they would go into fabric, leather and skin and you would have to peel her away…like velcro.
      Anyway, back to the poor sucker.. I mean vet. He had the vet tech flip open the door and he grabbed Velco by the scruff while the other vet tech reached over and hurriedy wrapped the growling cat up.
      Hes standing there holding my cat burrito, and the two techs and vet are basically congradulating each other on immobilizing her. Suddenly we all hear this ungodly howl from her and the tearing of the towels.The vet is trying think of what to do with this little 10 pound spawn of Satan when she tears through and Armagedden arrived in the form of angry grey tiger.
      She latched onto the chest of nearest tech, who bravely shrieked lik a 9 year old girl and shoved Velcro towards the vet.
      The vet bravely reacted with a loud "Oh Sh**!" as she sunk her claws into him and gave a another of her demonic howls.
      It took all three to wrangle her back into the cage.
      He decided that they would keep her overnight and sedate her by gassing her.
      When i returned the next day he told me that yes, she had an ear infection from a cheat grass sticker that had gotten way down in her ear. They had removed the foriegn body but she was going to need ears drops three times a day.
      In the following days, she ripped the front out of three of my shirts, one of my dad's, destroyed two towels, a flannel sheet and four pillowcases.
      Loved that cat, though. She was a very affectionate cat unless you tried to restrain her,. She lived to a ripe old age.

  39. “…My kitten was making a new kind of noise. One that I’d really not ever heard before. It was an odd sort of noise, somewhat like a very small, very distant, monumentally pissed-off chainsaw. Running full bore.”

    Sir, you have a knack for wordsmithing unparalleled in the blogosphere.

    With those kinds of skills, surely you have enough spare bank lying around to afford new keyboards and the occasional monitor…



  40. Mr Dawg, the kitty community will never reveal their sources but you are known to them. Obviously. On a similar note, my wonderful โ€œDominoโ€ was terror to the vets. She hurt her front paw once and I took her in. The vetโ€™s aide kindly took her from me saying โ€œwe have a bag that we put the cat in, and then just draw out the limb we wish to examine โ€“ it puts less stress on the animal.โ€ Ha! But this is a trained professional โ€“ she works with animals all day โ€“ who am I to warn her of fur coated razor blades? A few minutes later, I heard Dominoโ€™s displeasure made loud and clear from the back rooms and a short while later she was brought back to me by a frazzled and torn aide who said โ€œwe werenโ€™t able to examine the limb, but she appears to be fine โ€“ if its still hurting in a day or two, bring her back โ€ฆ. When Iโ€™m not on duty!โ€

  41. For ALL the cat companions out there, I’ve one word – ACE – that’s the shorthand for acepromazine, which is a wonderful cat {or dog – we had to use it on our Australian Shepherd whenever we took him to the vet} tranquilizer – for one the size of ‘Cuis’, 1/4 tab should do nicely, about 1/2 hour prior to entering the exam room ……………… ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Semper Smiling

  42. We have two cats. Both strays, one cat, mine,named Snowflake is able to clear out the waiting room at the vet’s with a single yowl, but she normally doesn’t bite. She did, however, bite the vet through the mesh of the cat carrier one time.

    The other cat, my mother’s is a Siamese, named Cairo (we did not name the cat that, when we adopted her from the MSPCA that was her name), nicknamed Ginsu Kitty. Anyone care to guess why?

    She’s about 6 or 7 and we believe that she was abused because while she is quite affectionate with my mother and me, usually, she HATES to be picked up. She’s the one with the ‘agressive’ sticker at the vet’s.

    Just to add to the merriment, the family goes on vacation for a month (my mother’s retired, she can do that–I’m grad school so I come too) and the cats, of course come.

    You know what kind of a joy it is to go through airport security with a VERY pissed off Siamese?

    Finally got a little smarter this year and gave her not only a full pill of the tranq, acepromozine, but also stuffed a towel in her carrier. Pull cat out with towel wrapped around, walk through, put cat back in, right?

    Not quite. As I’m standing there, just after going through the metal detector, this brain trust from the TSA wants to X-ray the towel the cat is wrapped in. Right then, not after the cat is put back in the carrier. RIGHT THEN.

    Pardon the language folks but ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS????!

    I said basically that just not in those words. Fortunately, a supervisor comes over and tells the brain trust to let me put the cat in the carrier and then they can x-ray the towel

    Yeah….traveling with a pissy Siamese, always a joy. I think we’ll drive next year.

    Amy, SE Texas

  43. As I work for a veterinarian,I can guarantee you that dual personality cats are common…but never had one called Cuisinart….yet !Your vet has a great sense of humor. And you need it in this business. Great blog, by the way.


  44. "I can haz arteries, [deleted]!"

    I am sure that is what my kitten was screetching when the vet & tech were trying to take his temp the last time I brought him in.
    The fun is just begining….trust me.

  45. My beautiful pure white kitteh got sick once – ran a fever and had to spend several days at the vet. When she tried to shred the intern I knew she was well. My kitteh loves me and the rest of the world can go pound sand.

    Ky Person

  46. I have a cat who the vet would sedate every time – for some reason, Shadowcat, the most mellow of cats, turned into Mr Hyde when brought into the vet’s office. When I complained about them knocking my cat out every time (that CAN’T be good for him! Not to mention the added expense), they suggested that maybe I find another vet. I agreed… and found Dr. Lori Kriedberg of Metrowest Mobile Vets (in Sudbury, MA), who makes HOUSE CALLS. Funny… but she can do ANYTHING to Shadow and he just purrs at her. And the price is a wash – costs more for her to make house calls, but then again… he’s not getting sedated all the time.

    Apparently, Shadow is just a homebody and does NOT like to go to the vet’s office.

    And I haven’t heard him quoting the Bhagavad-Gita since.

  47. “Melville? That sounds suspiciously like Khan Noonian Singh to me.”

    I believe he was quoting Khan, who in turn was quoting Melville.

    Khan did it better. Melville simply wrote it, while Khan lived it (fake chest piece and all).

  48. great story! My wonderful gentle little pile of Siamese kitty turns into some form of demon who pees on every person at the vet who touches him. They are very nice with him though when he does this. – Mary

  49. Don’t tell me that chest was fake! AS I recall, he took his shirt off during a Barbara Walters’ interview back then. I drool at the memory….never mind that he’s an awesome, though vastly underrated, actor. Ricardo Montalban has been the sexiest thing on earth since I was six years old.
    Rave on, Khan!

  50. “Melville? That sounds suspiciously like Khan Noonian Singh to me.”
    Really nice to know I’m not the only d0rk in the bunch.
    And I side with Vic in re: the Magic Sucker sign; I haz it too.
    Which is why we now have three dogs, as opposed to the two we moved to SE Texas with.

  51. Jeezus! The tears are still rolling down my face but I’ve stopped laughing long enough to say that is one heck of a story!

    Having two cats (currently..and several others in the distant past) who really,really hate to get into the cat carrier and hauled to the vet I can empathize.

    My third cat, the big 17 lb ball of love thinks any handling is a treat. The vet can’t hear his heart and lungs for all the purring.

  52. I need to find one of those vets with an aide… my vet asked me to hold my gorgious fur ball and I was the one bleeding…
    He has mellowed in his old age tho, and just sits there with the chainsaw growl, nashing his teeth, and glaring, now that he knows drawing blood won’t make me or the vet let go… gotta love those little half angel/half devils.

  53. “I can haz arteries!” snort!

    I recently brought my youngest in due to the sniffles, which were magically cured as we crossed the vet’s threshold. She ended up on top of the cabinets offering to perforate anyone within reach. She’s better now, sure glad the experience didn’t break her spirit, Heh heh…

  54. "What we have here is a failure to communicate." I actually haven't seen this too much with doctors. I spent so much time with UC Irivine doctors who also taught, I got used to their high communications skills. Fortunately, I've taken Speech & Debate and Listening courses, as well as studied quite a lot autodidactically in fallacies and other communications topics, and my Computer Science courses contained more than the usual amount of liguistics, computational and mundane. However, now that I'm dealing with non-professorial doctors, I'm aware that the intense studies required by doctors leaves little time for anything beyond the studies strictly required for their profession. With my own doctor, I have to take the initiative if I want to discuss more than one completely obvious thing.

    Now, when I read, "The vet goes further to assure me that this test 'is nothing' and requires 'just a bit of blood'", two questions came immediately to mind. Just what amount is, "A bit of blood"? A drop? A cc? A pint? The second question was, "Whose blood?" Clearly, the doctor was unclear, and while the kitten was doing his best to comply with the doctor's ambiguous request, he had no more idea how much a bit was than I do. Understandably, he drew blood until the doctor was satisfied.

  55. Cuisinart’s Tony Montana impression made me keel over laughing.

    Thanks, Lawdog.

  56. “I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Cats. What’s the point?”

    They’re all points ….and hooks.

    LawDog, two words, welding gloves!

    Plastic or kevlar inserts wouldn’t hurt.

  57. Oh, well done, LawDog.

    Feel free to come back when the intern is here. muahahahahaha!

  58. I’d recommend a leather welder’s cape, and heavy gloves.

    As far as that sign, it’s not visible.

    It’s a scent, and since humans have no sense of smell to speak of . . .

    –Webfoot Logger

  59. When I brought my petite six-pound American Short Hair for shots, I tried to warn the vet, honest I did.

    “Son, I’ve been handling cats for thirty years. I think I can handle a li…YAAAAARGH! It bit me!”

    Her name was “Joy.” She went to the great catnip patch in the sky last fall after sixteen years. I miss her still.

  60. Compared to the post by Labrat I believe it was on Atomic Nerds, this compares and if they rate a 10 this one rates 9.75 good sir.

  61. Quoting WolfWalker “Sounds like you got a perfectly normal kitten to me: an entire medieval armory stored TARDIS-style inside a tiny cute fur coat.”

    Sometimes the comments are just as funny (and thoughprovoking) as the post!

    LawDog – we need kitty pics! Sounds like the little one is a VERY lucky kitty!

  62. My sister is a vet tech and their solution to the evil headspin kitty is to use a fishing net, with a loooong handle and a towel. Even with those tools, I’ve seen her sport a few scratches that were nasty! Makes me love my dog even more!

  63. How about something about pursuits? I’m always interested in how others do it.

  64. lawdog,
    i’m afraid that “sucker for kittens” sign is tattooed on your soul, but no worries, you’ve plenty of company. my son in law came in a week or two ago to ask if we could give a home to a pair of 8 week kittens that were about to be put down. then another a few days later, “frodo”, “romeo” and “hunter” have taken up residence and are practising the finer points of stalking and pouncing on my stocking feet having terrorised our female pit bull into accepting them as masters of the house.

  65. Oh dear heaven that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in ages and so so true.

  66. Heads up for you LawDog, the Invisible Tattoo may apply to livestock as well.
    Or it could just be my luck I woke up from a nap to discover someone’s donkeys in my backyard…

  67. Very funny.

    Back in a previous chapter of my life I had seven cats (well eight for a while, but that’s another story) and between them they had had every neurosis and temperament possible. The biggest cat I ever had was 18 lbs, jet black and looked like a mini bear cub.

    One of my congregation has a cat that weighs in at 23 lbs. It’s a monster! I scored many points with it’s owner by picking it up and surviving the experience. I am a cat person though, so that helps. They all seem to love me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  68. Someone sent me this – I dislike blogs and I’m not a cat person. That said, I found the story (and all the following blog comments) hysterically funny, loved the Melville references, and kept wondering when the vet was going to discover that the “kitty” was a wild fisher cat, wolverine or bear cub!

  69. The Kittenator is a dense black, and when he’s photographed, only his tuxedo and spats tend to show. However, I shall proceed to nag the Dog and see what we can do about a pic.

  70. Well, I’m not sure what it did for your writer’s block, but it certainly broke me up.
    Thankfully my fiance added a “Make sure you’re not drinking coffee” disclaimer when he forwarded the link to this to me.

  71. “Make sure you’re not drinking coffee”

    Or anything carbonated!

  72. I miss having a cat. Sigh.

    Of course, as a former pediatrics nurse, I would encounter much the same thing with kids of all ages, most surprisingly the infants. Go figure.

  73. “Have y’all seen Terminator 2? Remember the part where Ah-nold slammed the evil terminator face-first into the wall, and the evil terminator kind of shimmered and then his front moved to his back?

    That little kitten promptly retracted all of his limbs and other assorted protuberances, rotated inside his skin, popped back 180 degrees out from original position and proceeded to enthusiastically bury five of his six ends in the vet’s arm.”

    That had me in tears when I first read it. Now, I’ve seen it with my own two eyes and have the scars as proof!

  74. This one time, I met a black cat, fully grown, female I think, at a pet adoption center. Said cat was in her Cute Mode up until I mistakenly touched the edge of her cage.

    Next thing I knew, this cat exploded into action like something out of a supernatural thriller horror movie; a colossal hiss followed by Hovering Homicidal Hairball Mode and frenzied loud-as-all-heck meows. The whole thing, quite apart from scaring the hell out of me, scared the hell out of the few cats around her and made the whole store look around that way.

    As we were walking out, Chat Noir Royale repeated her feat to a little girl, causing her to scream in fright.

    Oh yeah, and my finger had two long cuts on it for a week after that visit.

  75. Oh man. I'm a cat person, but I have to say they can be the most dangerous things in your house. When I was a kid we had a cat named Grendel, after the beast from Beowulf. Trust me, he didn't get that name by accident.
    Grendel is the one and only cat my family has ever had declawed, because he was A)aggressive B)smart and C)he liked to aim for the eyes. I think that last one was the deciding factor. I was absolutely terrified of that cat for something like ten years. He mellowed with age, and we eventually came to a truce, but he was terrifying.

  76. "Our daughter, the Vet, has a red tag on all "Cuisinart" patients – just so she has fair warning!"

    Holds for canines too. My Chow mix, Fuzzy, loved the vets. To the point that we had to spell out the word to prevent instant happy dance redy to go.

    Apparently, Fuzzy had a twin sister…. an evil twin Skippy… who ended up at the same vet. So the staff comes in and "Oh, look, it's Fuzzy! Let's give Fuzzy a scritch…." SNAP!

    "That's not Fuzzy, is it?"

    They actually made up a sign "This is NOT Fuzzy!" to hang on her cage when she came in (they showed it to me).

  77. I have a couple of engineering interns which have been placed under me. May I borrow your kitten?

  78. I had to stop reading aloud so my husband could take his insulin.

    I have a sucker sign too. It's neon and stapled to my forehead.

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