Ohhh, that’s gotta suck

Gentle Readers, allow me to introduce “Joe Critter”.

Joe is a fairly recent transplant to our fair city, having been forced to relocate due to Mother Nature developing a serious case of the arse regarding his former stomping grounds.

What earns Joe his moniker of “critter” is the fact that he is currently on misdemeanor probation due to his having an attitude towards romance which is generally frowned upon by society.

Now, to the best of our knowledge, Joe has managed to keep his booger-hooks to himself for a fairly admirable amount of time — probably due in no small part to Joe’s erstwhile Probation Officer getting a wee bit put out and issuing a Violation of Probation warrant for Joe — but, it being a long summer, Joe has apparently decided he can contain himself no longer.

So, Joe hops into his late-‘7o’s crittermobile and cruises down to a local curb-side diner, pulls into a parking slot and orders a meal, content in the knowledge that said meal will soon be delivered by a toothsome morsel.

Now, as Joe’s meal is being fixed, allow your gaze to fall upon the pick-up truck several slots down from Joe. Witnesses become unexpectedly blank as to the description of the truck, the description of the occupants, and even the name on the side of the truck, but we’re fairly sure that it contains several men of Hispanic extraction.

Anyhoo, back to Joe. Sure enough, Joe’s munchies are delivered by a Sweet Young High School Thing, and Joe is so happy about this fact, that when she appears at his window and greets him, he reaches forth and gathers himself a nice, big, double handsful of female … umm … architecture.

Our Wee Damsel, having been gently tutored in Southern Feminine Deportment, Etiquette, and Grace by a loving Mama and/or Daddy, immediately stiff-arms 44 ounces of Sprite into Joe’s leering mush.

Joe is somewhat taken aback by this reaction to his smoothness, and responds with language that is not generally viewed as being romantic by most people. To say nothing of our Fair Maiden, who takes a two-handed grip on her Serving Tray of Doom +3 and attempts to line-drive Joe’s snot-locker over the score-board.

Now, you may be developing an inkling that Joe isn’t quite as quick on the uptake as one might hope for — he hauls off and delivers a tirade of abusive, indecent and, yes, profane language, said language which tends to incite our Lady Fair into taking a firmer grip upon her tray (Of Doom, +3) and commencing to pummel him furiously about the head and shoulders.

Sometime during the middle of this beat-down, Joe’s buttocks (being somewhat brighter than the rest of Joe) apparently decide that discretion is, indeed, the better part of valour, walk themselves across the bench seat, open the passenger side door, and hop out onto the parking lot.

We know this, because Joe has repeatedly maintained that he is — and I quote, “a man, ‘n’ I don’ run from no [expletive deleted] [deleted]!”

Since Joe seems to be rather firmly attached to said buttocks, here we have Joe out on the parking lot, with Our Heroine button-hooking the front of his punkmobile, battle tray at the ready.

Well, this is altogether enough for Young Joe — steps must be taken to preserve his reputation — and he comes to his feet with a linoleum knife in one paw.

Any further action on Joe’s part is interrupted by a soft voice saying, “Perdóname, señorita.”

Well, this kind of clears the old tunnel-vision, and Joe discovers that he and our Damsel are surrounded by a group of gentlemen — probably out of the construction truck mentioned earlier — one of whom is ‘tsk’ing his tongue at Joe whilst gently wagging an index finger.

Joe, finally tapping into a here-to-fore unused reserve of smart, freezes in place.

The finger-wagger was heard to murmur, “Con su permiso?” before a very large gentleman with a huge mustache over a bigger grin firmly relieved Joe of his pig-sticker — then witnesses affirm that the gentlemen grinned at our Sweet Young Thing, made “get-on-with-it” gestures, and went back to noshing on fries and Cokes — still surrounding the combatants.


Since this is Texas, let us say that our Damsel then “held the suspect for questioning by police.”

Yes, that will do nicely. The suspect was, indeed, still present when police arrived. Followed by the ambulance.

Responding officers note that there may have been some quite understandable enthusiasm expressed in said “holding for police”.



I can't make this stuff up.

41 thoughts on “Ohhh, that’s gotta suck”

  1. Hmmm…the gentlemen were likely quite amused at the Young Lady’s deportment in the situation.

    Actually, this being Texas, he’s lucky nobody shot him.

    But, to be a bit serious, I really hope no one comments that the critter had his rights violated. Sorry, folks, but when you are willing to violate someone else’s rights (as he did) you’d best be willing to pay the price. And, as I said, he is lucky no one shot him; pulling an edged weapon on the girl would indeed allow the legal use of deadly force. On the critter.

  2. Thank God this happened in Texas. Had this been in New England, some self-righteous pricks would be harping about the Critter’s rights and how these horrible vigilantes should be brought to “justice”.

  3. I should know better than to read your writing with a beverage anywhere within reach. 😀

    I am forwarding this to my granddaughter, as whe will be entering the job market soon. She will add it to her personal training manual. Thank you.


  4. Hispanic-read ‘Mexican’-gentlemen, mustachioed and not, have rescued this Texas girl more than once, though not from Joe Critter. I appreciate their gallantry and their willingness to take on the non-gentlemen of the world on any lady’s behalf. Besides which, they can fix a damn fine plate of migas with a flat tire on the side.

  5. LawDawg, you rule! I almost felt sorry for the critter- well, maybe not. You really need to warn us when you pull off one of these “descriptive” events- it m y c use my kE borrd t o due to liq id spr yy

  6. The critters NEVER learn, do they? I’m glad to see that the moron’s intended victim give him a beat-down that he won’t live down for a LONG time, if ever. That’ll do a lot for his rep…..got beat up by a girl!

  7. Too bad nobody got a video of this. It would make an excellent instructional video.

    Actually, you could get two videos out of this.

    “Self-defense Tray Tactics for Women”


    “How to Get Your Butt Kicked By a Girl”

  8. with all due respect stephen, not in my little corner of new england. we do have our critters here but we’re kind of out of the mainstream of so-called “thinking” seen in the bosnywash axis. our state supreme court settled the “right to bear arms” question just over a hundred years ago and critters act out at their own risk.

  9. That would’ve been quite the sight. With the knife, he’s lucky he’s still this side of the grass. I’m guessing, though, that he’ll still need the same lesson beaten into him a few more times.

  10. Great story and as usual your descriptive writing abilities continue to amaze me! Wish I was half as good. Keep ’em coming.

  11. This story is so pleasing to read at so many levels

    – a damsel decides to take no shit. kudo’s to her.

    – evidence that there are still gentleman to be found who will not hesitate to do the right thing.

    – a dirtbag gets his in spades.

    What’s not to like?

  12. The only thing better would have been if he had gotten his WITH a spade..

  13. “You wanna play grown-up games, you better be willing to pay grown-up prices.”
    Quoth Captain Forsyth, late of Professional Protectives, Ltd., as reported by L. Neil Smith

  14. No offense intended, but said critter has an equal protection under law and is (legally) assumed to be innocent until guilty.

    That’s part of the reason why this country is great.

    And the fact that nobody really remembers what the truck or the men that involved themselves in this fracas is another reason why this country is great.


    PS: I want to add that (assuming that the situation went down as described) if said critter got himself killed by a bystander, it is his own damn fault. Pulling a knife out in a fight means you are willing to use lethal force. He’s lucky that he was only restrained.

  15. As it’s been said, Mr Critter is lucky he didn’t get himself permanently removed from the gene pool; It’s a pity for the rest of us though…

  16. “He’s lucky that he was only restrained.”

    I need some reading skills adjusted. I thought the mexican men exercised admirable restraint.

    They intervened only enough to prevent critter from commiting a serious lapse of judgement, by removing his knife, and thus the temptation of anyone to demonstrate the “don’t bring a knife to a gun fight” saying.

    Then they wisely stepped out of the way and allowed the aggrieved party to “detain” the, er, “suspect”.

    The police exercised nelsonian (see: telescopes, blind eye)eyesight and good judgement of the “not all justice is best served by involving the courts” type.

    (Kudo’s to the bustanders to exercising selective eyesight too.

  17. I just know the, uh “construction” workers are going to be scoring beers on that story for some time.

    Gee, I wonder if that story is going to follow Sr. Critter to the lock up after he gets out of hospital?

    Sometimes the correction of bad manners is more painful that the chastisment for breaking laws.

  18. An excellent, well written post on a heartwarming story. I have, however, two laments. one being the lack of critter’s mugshot. Your readers would have loved to witness firsthand the enthusiasm the fair maiden used in holding Mr. critter for the police. and second, the lack of a link to express our cheerful support and goodwill to the fine young lady. pass along an “atta girl” for us. the accompanying pat on the back may be administed by her loving Dad or other trusted relative or friend on our behalf.

  19. This post is useless without mugshots.

    Blur the heck outta the board, whatever…

  20. Man, another keyboard bites the dust. My manager is now considering not allowing liquids in mt cube.

  21. I feel certain any actual injuries were sustained when Mr. Critter fell out of his automobile. You really have to watch that first step.

    Wish there were a way to convey our profound respect and gratitude to various witnesses…

  22. 😀

    Sounds like that young lady was raised right.

    Makes me wonder if, when he recovered from his headache, the guy who pinched me in the library ever tried it again. Probably not on a girl holding about 800 pages of library-bound, hardcover non-fiction at least.

    Some mysterious gentleman seem to have been raised right as well.

    Perhaps that dose of humiliation will teach Joe Critter something worth learning.

  23. I am sorry your Honour as a witness I must concur with the victioms testimny, He tripped and fell as he left the car.

  24. “Joe is a fairly recent transplant to our fair city, having been forced to relocate due to Mother Nature developing a serious case of the arse regarding his former stomping grounds.”

    Since I rather doubt that Joe is from Cedar Rapids, allow me to apologize on the behalf of the New Orleans area for Joe Critter’s misbehavior, as well as to express my regrets at being unable to contribute to his beatdown. If you’d like, I’d be quite willing to let Joe’s momma know what he’s done, so she can whup his ass for it as well.

  25. My dear daughter is very much like the young lady in the story. Neither one of them will suffer boors at all.

    I hope that when Mr. Critter finally got to the jail, the population all found out that his injuries were inflicted by a girl.

    Ky Person

  26. I’d have to agree with the commenters – as a Texan of the armed variety, dependent on totality of the circumstances, Critter might not have survived this indiscretion long enough to learn from it.

    I can only hope if I ever have a daughter that I am able to invest in her the fortitude and fighting spirit that the young lady showed in this instance. I applaud her parents and her.

    Spectacular writing as always Lawdog. I love your style. 🙂

  27. Men of good character are such no matter their place of birth or the language they speak.

  28. You are so absolutely right, anonymous, concerning men of character. I like your style.

  29. I’m just having fun imagining what the descriptions of the helpful bystanders would likely have been if officious officials had decided that they needed to be found.

    “I’m not sure, but I think they were named Ole, Sven, and Moshe. Three tall, blond Norwegians, in a Winnebego. Right, Madge?”

    “I don’t think so. I think it was four Finns in a Chevy.”

  30. I always appreciate when the responding law enforcement officers use their judgement to enforce the spirit of the law, rather than the letter. Unfortunately, in this age of ‘lets pass more nitpicky laws rather than enforce the ones we have’, its becoming harder and harder for officers to exercise any kind of personal initiative. I could just see the descriptions if the responding officers where less than thrilled about how the critter was treated. “Um.. it was three shortish tall guys with blackish blond longish short hair with brownish green eyes who were kinda overweight but on the skinny side. They drove off in an oldish new Honda-ish Ford with shiny reddish paint that looked kinda blue in the sunlight. Hope that helped, officer.”

  31. I would have called him a varmint but a critter… critters are cute varmints are best found as roadkill

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