Never trust the action figures

There I am, staggering through the briefing room in search of a coffee pot when my Sergeant lays a fatherly arm across my shoulders.

“‘Dog,” sayeth that worthy, “I just received a grievance from TDC.”

I blink at him, muzzily.

“Seems like one of our prison-bound inmates has complained that the deputy who transported him to durance vile provided him with an actual child’s Happy Meal from McDonalds for lunch on said trip.”

I can smell coffee. It’s here. Somewhere.

“According to the inmate, when he protested, this deputy confiscated the toy from said Happy Meal, hooked it into the partition between the seats, and … I am quoting here … ‘Made it talk smack’, unquote, to the inmate for the rest of the trip.”

Coffee. Coffeecoffeecoffee.

“In a high, squeaky voice.”

Where are you, little caffeine jolt of life?

“The worst of it all — according to the inmate — was the toy staring at him for the next six hours. You wouldn’t happen to know if any of our officers might be inclined to do something like this, would you?”

Oh, holy days — the warrants crew brought coffee! May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest! Coffeecoffeecoffee!

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“Huh?” I respond, wittily, as the Blessed Java Bean of Wakefulness starts firing up the old synapses.

“Nothing, ‘Dog. Check with Range about firearm re-qual next week.”



Professor LawDog's School of Survival and Mayhem

17 thoughts on “Never trust the action figures”

  1. In between bouts of uncontrolled snickering and gasping for breath, I feel compelled to make a few observations, here…

    1) Someone needs to point out (to the critter) that a prison concept of a Happy Meal is a meal that does not get rudely or violently interuppted, or taken away and eaten by a bigger, meaner critter.

    2) Several hours of one sided conversation with a happy meal toy is a lot better than he should expect in any prison.

    3) In fact, a happy meal is probably better than this critter deserves.

    4) If the Lawdog had done this, he would have had a videocamera running and recording the entire conversation. So that it can be used later. As a training tool. Or posted on Youtube.
    Whatever brings in the most money.
    And laughter.

    5) Matter of fact, if the 'dog had done this, he would have used at least 2 action figures…. you know, good action figure, bad action figure?

    6) Now that I think about it, if the Lawdog had his way, that critter would be transported to prison in a much more interesting way.
    Down the interstate.
    At about the speed limit.
    Chained loosely to the front of a CHARIOT.
    With battery operated strobe lights.
    And the 'dog wearing the biggest Centurion's helmet money could buy.

    7) Wanna make friends with the Lawdog?
    Bring coffee. Lots.

    8) Regarding #6: I'd pay money to see that!

    9) Just occured to me: would you need a siren on the chariot? Depending on how loud the critter is screaming? (gotta abide by the regulations, ya know.)

    10) What kind of action figure was (ahem) allegedly used, anyway?

    11) Say, now: someone should send some action figures to the facilities at Guantanamo Bay. That should make life there a lot more interesting.

    Don't forget. Lawdog. Coffee. Lots.
    This is important.

  2. Um, the purportedly talking action figure didn't at some point exclaim "Curse your treacherous but inevitable betrayal!" did it?

    Didn't think so.


  3. The FodGuy has been taking "my" vehicle to work {2004 Buick Rainier} for a bit, so last Thursday, I ran out in the Neon – it's ~ 2040, still light, but not a lot – I was pulled over by one of Splendukie's finest – HE was concerned that I didn't have lights on {I was unaware of the law that says lights on 1 hr before sunset/1 hr after sunrise} – he did his checks {primarily ensuring I wasn't under the influence, as that IS a problem in this town}, but assured me no ticket was forthcoming – when I told him I hadn't had a ticket in something like 23 years, he got a chuckle out of it ……………. I'm on a first-name basis with our Chief of Police here {though the rank-&-file don't know me from Adam}, so I made it a point to stop by & let HIM know how pleasant & professional this young officer was – turns out, the young'un was only on his SECOND tour solo – he had just completed his FTO – the Chief thanked me for giving the young officer an "Atta-Boy" & allowed as how he normally only hears about problems with his officers …………………. 😉

    Semper Fi'

  4. You sir, are my hero! I'll have to remember that little trick the next time the kids are in the back seat and getting on my nerves.

    That reminds me, it's time for more coffee.

  5. One of these days, I want to go to Texas and get myself arrested. It just might be worth it.

  6. It's very possible that no officer did this, and it was the addled dream of the chemically altered.


  7. Job well done by said deputy. Have another cup of coffee.

    See Ya.

  8. I just want to know what action figure was used… the technique could prove useful.

  9. "You're going to the Graybar Hotel, huh? Well, you won't even get free world Happy Meals there, buddy! Oh, Nooooooooooooo…!" [/action figure smack talk]

  10. Choice? Inmates do not get to choose! Fruit of course! fries are unhealthy! So is smoking… many prisons have outlawed that too…..

  11. Inquiring minds want to know what kind of toy it's alleged was used!

  12. LD, you needed to have put at least a Class One Beverage Warning on that story.

    *goes off to get paper towel clean up spewed Dr. Pepper from computer screen*

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