When you’re lost in the Wild, and you’re scared as a child,
And Death looks you bang in the eye,
And you’re sore as a boil, it’s according to Hoyle
To cock your revolver and . . . die.
But the Code of a Man says: “Fight all you can,”
And self-dissolution is barred.
In hunger and woe, oh, it’s easy to blow . . .
It’s the hell-served-for-breakfast that’s hard.

“You’re sick of the game!” Well, now, that’s a shame.
You’re young and you’re brave and you’re bright.
“You’ve had a raw deal!” I know — but don’t squeal,
Buck up, do your damnedest, and fight.
It’s the plugging away that will win you the day,
So don’t be a piker, old pard!
Just draw on your grit; it’s so easy to quit:
It’s the keeping-your-chin-up that’s hard.

It’s easy to cry that you’re beaten — and die;
It’s easy to crawfish and crawl;
But to fight and to fight when hope’s out of sight —
Why, that’s the best game of them all!
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,
All broken and beaten and scarred,
Just have one more try — it’s dead easy to die,
It’s the keeping-on-living that’s hard.

–Robert Service.

My friend Tamara has said: “When you commit suicide, everyone gets over it — except you.”

Good points from a wise lady.

For the record: If you’ve got to do yourself in, kindly have the stones to do the deed yourself, in private, and away from innocent witnesses.

Suckering someone else into putting you down is selfish and cruel. To force someone else to put you down in public is vicious and evil.

That is all.


Sept 11.
Just because I can

35 thoughts on “*sigh*”

  1. Uh-oh, was there a figuratively or literally nearby suicide by police officer incident?

  2. Dog, If what I think has happened did, don’t beat yourself up. I’m sure that person gave you no other choice.

  3. Take your own advice brother, if they gave you no choice, then they made the choice for you. If that’s not what happened, good, remember it anyway. The day may come.

  4. God be with you.

    I have faith that the choice was either you or them. You still stand and that is one more thing that is right and good.

    The rest is silence…

  5. I think this is one of the things I fear my hubby may have to do in the line of duty. My heart goes out the officer who did what heshe had to do. Thank you to all officers serving thier communities, you have my undying gratitude.

  6. It is human nature to take the easy way and leave the hard work to somebody else. I suppose this even applies to suicide.

    Glad you are still with us…

  7. Suicide by police officer is wrong in so many ways. I wonder, sometimes, if the cowards who choose this way “out” do it to punish the police as well as their families.

  8. Suicide by proxy is always cruel, and by design: “depression is anger without enthusiasm”, as they say. Depressed people are very angry at… something, even if they’re not certain who or what. When they have created a situation in which they die at the hand of someone else, they create, for that last fleeting moment, someone to be angry at.

    I’ve never dealt with suicide by cop, but I’ve seen several cases of suicide by train. The despair of an engineer can’t be overstated, after someone parks in front of his train half a mile ahead of him — a train that takes a full mile or more to stop safely.

    All because some selfish, cowardly son of a she-dog needed to create justification for his own death.

    Strength to your friend, and everyone involved, LD.

  9. That sucks. We’ve got a guy locally who’s tried several times. He’s bound to find a way to force someone to shoot him eventually–how can you prevent that, short of someone finally committing the guy?

  10. This hits a little close to home. A family member committed suicide by cop a couple of years ago. He did it in an unusual manner too. The cop happened to be a family friend (as per usual in a small town ). I saw what it did to the family, the cop, and the entire department. Personally I feel this is the worst thing anyone can do.
    Prayers and thoughts to the officer, the family, and the entire department.


  11. This was just a bad situation from every angle…and that’s all I have to say about it.

  12. Another LEO friend just pointed me to the news article on this one. Dayummm… that sucks all kinds of bad ways for everyone involved.

    Strength, Brother.

  13. Having been unfortunate enough to have been too close to a couple of “incidents” that hit far, far to close to home they bring out mixed emotions in me. Some sadness but I must admit mostly anger.

    If you’re going to off yourself do it your own damned self and spare everyone else the dramatics and grisly after effects. Get your personal papers and effects in order, go somewhere away from where anyone would normally see the scene on a daily basis (ie not in your house) Put down plastic sheeting for easy cleanup wrap your head in the same plastic to contain any residue, make a phone call telling authorities where to find your corpse and then plug yourself in the head. You’ve done a nice clean job with as little trauma and disturbance to everyone else as possible.

    The trouble is most of these assholes can’t do that. They make everyone else suffer. They make a cop do it for them if they don’t have the nuts to do it themselves which is about as gutless as it gets.

    They act out their final drama in front of their loved ones. They splatter their brainpan contents all over the livingroom with a 12 gauge. You know the cops or the ambulance guys don’t clean that up. That family has to. Just what you want your kids last vision of daddy to be; a fine pink mist of your cerebellum in their living room settling on their Christmas presents. Selfish bastard. Guess your life was just too hard huh?

    Not as hard as those funerals. I’ve been to one too many of those. what do you say to a 6 year old boy who watched his daddy just blow the top of his head off in his living room? What do you say to the rest of his brothers and sisters?

    Damned if I know.

  14. I’ve been on both ends of this. Had several try to use me but managed to avoid killing them somehow. Cleaned up after a good friend and neighbor so his sons wouldn’t have to. Buried a couple of fellow Officers that just couldn’t cope with it all, too.

    My heart goes out to the Officer involved in this and to all those affected by it. I know their pain and confusion and I am especially familiar with “Could I have prevented this somehow?” That question still eats at me in the middle of the night.

    LawDog, I share your anger.

  15. Suicide is the most selfish act of all.
    The cause is somewhere between ego and dispair and insanity, or maybe all three.
    What the egotist doesn’t factor in to the equation is that he’s not going to be around to watch everyone be sorry and grieve; he imagines all the weeping and wailing and remorse his act will cause, and says to himself, “That’ll show them.” But it won’t show him-he’ll be dead.
    Dispair is a difficult thing. Most people have no idea the depths to which depression can take a person. The worst is when there’s just no light at the end of the tunnel. People who haven’t been there haven’t a chance of understanding. This is neutral ground.
    Insanity, well, that’s defensible in that it’s possible the person taking his own life really didn’t know what he was doing. It’s difficult to fault this person.
    However, in all three categories there’s cowardice. Fear of pain and the unknown forces some people into trying to get someone else to do it for them. Then, you see, the act of death isn’t their fault-or so the reasoning goes.
    Finally, there’s the fourth category: the perfectly sane person who has carefully calculated how this is to be done. These people are usually faced with some sort of ruin which will place an impossible emotional and/or financial burden on the people they love. Terminal illness is a primary cause, between the contemplation of tolerating impossible pain on two levels: their own physical one, and that of their loved ones.
    This one is understandable. However, most of this type are very strong people who will figure out a way to cause the least upset to their families and friends, and do it themselves when they have a plan. This is a sacrificial death, not done for the victim, but for those he loves. It is forgiveable for that very reason.

  16. We all have to, in some way, and on some day, go through the fire. I’ve kind of come to think that if you’ve never looked around you, and seen yourself in such impenetrably intolerable times that you’ve not seriously contemplated ending your own life then maybe you’ve not really had the opportunity to put appropriate value on your own indrawn breath.

    You have to be in a terrible, unacceptable place to seriously consider shucking the bounds that tie – but it’s something that defines you, when you face them, and say “Up yours, World. I’m gonna live.”

    I guess it didn’t happen for the person in your space. And I’m sorry you’re there, and that someone you care about is there, Dog. Suicide is almost by definition, the single most selfish act that can be performed, but it’s also frequently the ugliest, most stupid and most pointless. I guess you’d had a Suicide By Cop recently, which I guess is probably the most cowardly one of all.

    Sorry, chap.

  17. No one should have to live through that.

    I feel for you bro. A friend of mine has a son who is deeply in the throes of addiction. He attempted suicide by cop.

    Fortunately for all involved, when they shot him, it was with bean bags. He says he’ll never try that again.

    I’m truly sorry for you and your brother officers who are having to deal with this.

  18. For my part, there was one occasion, long ago when I was a mere prat, when I was tempted to do away with myself. It wasn’t a very good time for myself.

    The way that I was planning on doing it was to go into one of the co-op dormitory bathrooms in a neighboring dorm room, get a razor, fill up one of the few tubs which were available in comfortably warm water, and slit my wrists, not across the wrist, in a way guaranteed to assure maximum blood loss. If you want me to tell you just how to do that, then I will be happy to recommend where you can go. I just won’t tell you how to get there.

    What stopped me was an overactive imagination and conscience. The former did a wonderful job of visualizing just what would happen when the innocent coed managed to get her way into that bathtub eight hours later to see the pale, dead body in the tub. And to imagine what that sight would do to her for years to come. The latter informed me that there was no way that I would allow that to happen. I decided to live instead.

    I’m terribly sorry that a friend of yours had to deal with someone who was neither as intelligent nor as considerate as I was.

    Suicide by cop is by far the most cowardly way to die. They can’t even do the deed themselves. They have to goad another to do the deed for the latter’s own self defense. Despicable.

    And, since you’ve committed poetry, I’ll have to see you and raise you:


    Razors pain you,
    Rivers are damp,
    Acids stain you,
    and drugs cause cramps.

    Guns aren’t lawful,
    Nooses give.
    Gas smells awful:
    You might as well live.

    -Dorothy Parker

  19. I hope you surround yourself with good and positive people and that you continue to live a long and fulfilling life. You have a purpose and only God knows when you’ve fulfilled it and then HE’LL be the one to pull the plug.

  20. Dawg,
    One of the sad truths of life is that some people not worth shooting sometimes have to be put down, and the officer suffers more than the scum he had to terminate.

    Give him all the support you can, our prayers are with him and you.

    Randy in Arizona

  21. Mr. Lawdog, my cousin killed himself a few years ago in his house and left his wife to find the body. He always was a selfish prat and a control freak, and when he was diagnosed with cancer, he figured he’d go out his way and his “loved” ones be damned.


    My prayers to the lawman who was forced into a bad situation.

  22. It is horrific to consider what LEOs are faced with on a daily basis. You must often see human nature at its very worst, and my heart and my gratitude go out to you and all who serve alongside you. I suspect you are the best of the best, and that’s got to be a heavy burden. Blessings to you and your colleague.

  23. This post reminds me just the kind of person you are, Lawdog. I’m sorry for the kind of junk you have to put up with – and on a daily basis. All the more reason I’m sorry for having to put up with my comment on an earlier post about that movie. I’m not usually so harsh. I just had a moment of anger.

    Thanks to Phlegmfatale, who wrote me a very kind, long e-mail explaining how I had insulted you and your readers by my comment about how your popularity is ‘not an indicator’ and all that, I have come to apologize. Can you forgive me? You seem like a decent guy.

    I just don’t see it about the movie, even though she tried to explain it to me. It’s like, I can’t want to make love to a guy covered with hair and boils no matter how hard I try. But I do see my propensity for hot-headed arrogance. UGH!

  24. Old Cheyenne Riddle:

    “A thief is killed in the night. Whose hand is on the bow?”

    The answer, of course, is “the thief’s”.

  25. An equally selfish and cruel act is to try to make a loved one feel like it is THEIR FAULT that you decided to off yourself and to use threats of same as a means to manipulate them. My MIL has been doing that for some time to my wife and I’m just about ready to hand her a bottle of pills and a bottle of scotch and tell her “You want to kill yourself so damned bad, you go right ahead, Because we are sick to death of your selfish attempts at manipulation. I’ll wait and make sure nobody comes to save your sorry ass.”

  26. Dog,

    Many of us have some acquaintance with the deliberate end of a life, effected by one’s self or through election of a third party.

    The sting, the resentment and anger, the sadness, the confusion engendered by the act all pass.

    There is no enlightenment in repeating to oneself the question, “why,” as the motives for insanity will not be found in a mind of reason.

    In my own case, many’s the hour I spent in the open spaces, the forest, and the hills, deliberately looking outward rather than in.

    Wishing you clarity.

    ~~ ArfinGreebly (THR)

  27. As I see it, everyone ought to be able to choose their own time and way to die. It seems a shame to take even that choice away from a person. Of course, forcing someone else to kill you still remains rather impolite and inconsiderate.

    And a counter-point: it has been said that suicide is a selfish act, because of the woes of those who remain. But for those who remain–would it not also be selfish for them to desire that the suicidal person live, despite his/her earnest desire to die? In this light, both parties may be equally selfish, for both may choose their own desires over the desires of the other–the only difference may be in who has the power to make their desire reality.

    Food for thought.

  28. Make it private. Keep it private. I feel sorry for your pain — but not when you involve others who don’t deserve it.
    Sucide brings a lot of people down. The cops shouldn’t have to be one of them.

  29. I’ve heard it said repeatedly that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I disagree because it doesn’t *solve* anything. It only ended one person’s involvement and probably increased the problems for everyone around them.

    mustanger98 on THR

  30. “My friend Tamara has said: “When you commit suicide, everyone gets over it — except you.”

    Smart as she is, gotta disagree with her on that one. The loved ones *dont* get over it – the repercussions last for a lifetime and more. It just stops being a crippling pain and settles down into an occasional ache eventually.

    Sorry y’all had to be a part of that feller.

  31. Haven’t dealt with the situation discussed by the majority of commentors, but I have had to deal with the aftermath of standing next to someone in a dark hallway who decided his security-issue semi-auto was an easy way out of this world. Looked me in the eye as he pulled the trigger and it still haunts me to this day.
    Have also been a dispatcher on the receiving end of suicidal calls that ended by hearing a “pop” on the other end of the line.
    It is hard to put my feet in those men’s shoes and understand that, for them, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet I agree wholeheartedly that I wish with all my heart that if they were going to “give up” – that they would have chosen to go somewhere ALONE and take care of that. Why involve an innocent party? How selfish!
    I still have nightmares.

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