I’d like y’all to meet Joe Critter. Don’t mind the vacant look in his eyes — we’re not sure if that’s normal, or a result of his … ahem … arrest.
A couple of days ago, Joe here (being, well, a critter) decided to improve his financial lot in life by relieving a local construction contractor of a … thingummy. It was a very nice thingummy, as thingummies go, with 18 volt batteries and whole bunch of attachable wozzits and even a couple of doohickies.
Joe attempted to resell his acquired thingummy, but — unfortunately — the previous (rightful) owner had etched his name and the name of his company rather flamboyantly upon the side of the thingummy. All of the local item redistributing/financial centres thereabouts know the gentleman whose name was so clearly attached to the afore-mentioned thingummy, and none of them were dumb enough to glom onto the thingummy.
Finally, pushed to the brink of desperation, Joe was cruising the main street and noticed an extremely large diesel pick-up truck with a familiar name emblazoned on the side parked at a local fast-food eatery. The same name, as a matter-of-fact, as the one etched into the side of the thingummy.
Joe ponders for a while and comes up with a plan so cunning, so brilliant, so Machiavellian, as to defy description by lesser minds.
In furtherance of this fiendishly clever plot, Joe parked his 1980-something Subaru Justy punkmobile beside the diesel truck, then leaned upon the horn until such time as he attracted the attention of the construction crew inside.
Once he had their attention, he drew them outside by the wicked tactic of waving frantically from the inside of the Justy. One should point out at this time that Young Joe was smart enough to keep the car in ‘REVERSE’ in case Murphy should frown upon his crafty machinations.
Foot pressed firmly upon the clutch, Joe waved the thingummy at the construction crew and announced that said thingummy had fallen from the truck some streets back, and for the paltry sum of one hundred dollars American, he’d relinquish possession.
The Head Sasquatch of the construction crew contemplated this generous offer for a moment, then delicately opined that it would be difficult for the thingummy to have just fallen off the truck, considering that it had been stolen from a construction site two days previous.
Joe, no fool he, immediately realized that the game was twigged, and being the debonair gangsta, he made sure to give the gorilla pack a good look at his extended social digit before popping his foot off the clutch.
I would imagine the sounds of the local police dispatch number being dialled into a cell-phone right outside of the drivers side door probably clued him into the fact that Things Weren’t Quite Right.
Or maybe it was the gold-toothed grin belonging to the shaved yeti holding the front end of the Justy (and coincidentally enough, the rapidly-spinning front tyres) up off of the parking lot.
Now, a lesser man would have simply folded like a paper hat. Maybe even grovelled a bit, to appeal to the soft, gentle side of the WWE rejects surrounding his ride.
Not our Joe, though. Nope. Our Joe is tough man, street tough. He don’t take no [deleted] from citizens. No, sir! Our Joe quickly demonstrated that the proper way to treat such disrespect is to roll up both windows, engage both door-locks and make gang signs and obscene gestures at the foolish wage-slaves, while simultaneously shrieking threats towards those responsible for such outrageous conduct!
Of course, as anyone knows, being threatened with Gang Violence should be responded to by retreating and abject apologies.
Only complete and total savages would don a full-face helmet, fire up a Husqvarna hydraulic saw and commence to convertible-ize the Subaru — free of charge. An act which was apparently met with lusty cheers and shouted recommendations — some of which were Not Politically Correct — from the rest of the cafe patrons.
Ripping both doors off — by hand — was a nice touch, I think.
Anyhoo, responding officers report that Joe was found sitting very still in the drivers seat, and detectives announced that they cleared seven burglary cases before they could get him to stop confessing.