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Overheard

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Your Humble Scribe and a Minion are watching an inmate who is praying vigorously to Ralph, Ye Ancient God of the Porcelain Throne.

Inmate: “Oh, Gaaaawwwwd!”

Minion: “Sweet Jeebus, does he have anything left?”

LawDog: “Probably not. Pretty sure I saw toenails come out just a second ago.”

Minion: “Do we need to send him to the hospital or something?”

LawDog: “Nah. When he was arrested — curled up under the dining room table of a complete and total stranger at three in the morning, I might add — he had a baggie with trace amounts of heroin in it. Trust me, the jail nurses are quite familiar with the protocols for opiate detox.”

Inmate: “You don’t unnerstand! Gawd, please kill me!”

LawDog: “If I were you, I’d shut up and concentrate on keeping your organs on the inside.”

Inmate: “Don’t make fun of me! Yeeaaarrgghh!”


LawDog:  “If you feel something round and furry coming up, best swallow hard, ’cause you’re going to need it later.”

Minion: “Eww.”

Inmate: “You’re makin’ fun of me!  I’m somebody! I went to Local State University!”

LawDog: “Graduated magna cum laudanum, no doubt.”

Inmate: “Yeah! Blargh!”

Minion (Rolling her eyes at her Mentor in All Things Knuckledragging): “That … was terrible.”

LawDog: “I’ll say. I’m pretty sure the jail kitchen doesn’t serve a damn thing that colour.”

Minion: “Smartass.”

Ah, well. The finer points of extemporaneous wit are lost on the young.

*sigh*

I’m so unappreciated in my time.

LawDog

And damned-all will we do about it.
Personal Defence Weapons

16 thoughts on “Overheard”

  4. I wish you ran our jail. Here, any flimsy excuse or faked symptom will get you an ambulance ride to the ED, and boy don't the inmates know it.

  5. Foot chase with a guy who ran 3 blocks when he saw us. Problem for him was he'd just got done doing a 8ball of coke. When Lynn and I ran him down, He said he couldn't breath. Tough Noggies, Asshole. Corporal told us he had to go the ER to get Med cleared before we could lock him up.
    Doc wanted up to uncuff him from the gurney. "Doc, I just chased this Asshole a quarter mile. He takes off again, You chasing him?"

  6. My favorit for Meth Tweekers. Wait untill the itching starts (timeing is everything)and ask them if it feels like their blood is onfire.
    Give it a bit to sink in, then tell them to listen carefully a bad batch of meth is around and you need to know who (or where) they got the meth because you don't want another arm or neck exploding (point to discoloration on the floor or wall) in your jail. Worked for me twice and it's fun even if you don't get a name.

  8. In ye olde days I've spent my time on the big white telephone. When it was because I'd overdone the fruits of fermentation I'd be cursing myself for over indulging. Maybe that is why I have no sympathy for a horizontal hurler who has "self medicated."

  9. LD

    Its been a long day.

    I was preparing for bed , sipping a cold glass of iced tea while reading.

    I just spewed iced tea all over my desk and laptop.

    Thanks for the entertainment.

    Regards

    GKT

  10. Well, I certainly appreciate your wit and wisdom, sir!
    Thank you kindly!

  14. I don't care about a bunch of 7th century barbarians being offended. I do care about our citizens being killed. We need to give them a return on their violence investment of 10X.

  16. This is a great story, and Imma letcha finish, Lawdog, but Emily Watson just linked the greatest Pets Information of all time. Of all time!

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