Man walks into a pet store in Austin and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, “$1000”. Man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger.

Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey.

Shopkeeper says, “Sir! You have discovered our Police Monkeys! This one is our basic Patrol version. It’s got a TCLEOSE Basic certification; can fire ‘Expert’ with a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!”

The man is suitable impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla — also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, “Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a TCLEOSE Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!”

Impressed, the man moves to the next cage.

Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding a coffee cup.

“What does this one do that he’s worth $12,000?” asks the man.

The shopkeeper clears his throat, “Ah, sir, well …. we’ve never actually seen him do anything, but he says that he’s a lieutenant.”


This one’s probably only funny to my cop readers.


Oh, well.


Meditations on paper armour
They did what?!

25 thoughts on “*rimshot*”

  1. That will be passed on to some friends of mine.

    Thanks for the laugh.

    Mr Fixit

  2. Your police monkeys sound an awful lot like some military monkeys I know of…

  3. After hearing about the husband’s LT, I think it’s funny & true. 🙂

  4. Sounds a lot like military monkeys hubby deals with and the corporate monkeys I deal with

  5. I think just about anyone who actually “works’ for a living, will get a chuckle. 🙂

  6. Your LT would sound alot like my LTs, except for the fact that in the AirForce, the LTs aren’t old enough to drink coffee.

  7. If you’re a geek, substituting “coder” “designer” and “consultant” works fine 😉

  8. “This one’s probably only funny to my cop readers.”


  9. Hardy.



    As a Lt I find that quite funny. Now if I can only find my coffee cup.

  10. I agree with greybeard…that joke crosses from law enforcement into just about any workplace with “managers”.

    It’s the essence of the Dilbert Principle: “The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.”

  11. Not that the basic pattern is out there, I can see variations coming that included EMT, Paramedic, and Manager.


  12. Dog, I find that joke to be true of “LT’s” everywhere, no matter their uniform!

    Thank for the hearty chuckle.

  13. Nope, funny in industry, too.

    Just change them to “Intern”, “Line Manager” and “Executive”

    (Of course, since Walt was a LEO, and the Marine!Goth is active duty, it’s funny in the original version as well *snicker*)

  14. Oh, that’s going to every LEO I know right there.

    By the by, sir, I wonder. Was the gorilla in Cage #2 a real gorilla, or a man (could be anyone; hear me out) dressed in a


    Just thought I’d ask.



  15. That’s just fabulous. It’s now on my LT’s desk…..bwahhahahaha

  16. I’m not, and have never been, a cop. I’ve also never been in the military.

    But–knowing how things go in this world–I found that funny as hell.

  17. While this would work in EMS, the use of primates might be overshooting a bit.

  18. The wealthy couple were devastated when they learned their newborn was brain damaged, but buoyed when told a new cellular transplantation procedure would not only cure the kid , it could produce a superior child. Cells taken from a freshly dead donor would be injected in to the brain of the infant where they would find the damaged areas, implant, and grow to repair the damage.

    As many of the qualities of the donor would appear in the child, a market had developed and cell from different donors were available at different costs.

    Cells taken from famous pop musicians cost $100,000.

    Cells from famous classical musicians cost $125,000.

    Cells from famous athletes cost $150,000.

    Cells from Nobel laureates in the arts and “soft” sciences cost $175,000.

    Cells from Nobel laureates in the “hard” sciences cost $200,000.

    Cells from dispatchers cost $12,000,000.

    The couple were stunned. They asked the doctor why the huge disparity in the cost of dispatcher brain cells.

    The doctor replied, “Do you know how many we have to go through to find a brain?”
    * * *
    This was first told to me when I worked fro a small PD. I can report that it works as well in the trucking industry, ‘though my trucking dispatchers have yet to put my life in danger.

  19. Well I snorted cola, and it got a snicker out of my 75 year old Dad who’s got all sorts of military experience. Though he did say it was Captain in most Mil. settings. All the military Ell-Tee’s I ever met usually say, “Seargent Mitchell will now tell you what we’re going to do.”

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