The Tao of Lawdog #765

Dear Manbun Neckbeard,

Normally I don’t offer advice to those who are neither kith nor kin, but in this case I should like to offer some words of wisdom from one who has been around this little green dirtball a few more decades than you:
The Law of Physics is not like other Laws — such as the Law of Traffic or the Law of Pedestrians — it is pitiless, merciless, does not brook stupidity, and usually extracts a stiffer penalty than a mere fine or jail time.

With this in mind, in the future, consider taking your pretentious, hipster douche-baggery down to the crosswalk before crossing the bloody frontage road — especially at zero-bloody-dark thirty and you in (no doubt hand-dyed, Free Trade) black cotton everything.

Now, do not mistake me: I don’t particularly give a warm bucket of rat expectorant if a Ford F250 — like the one that just had to swerve out of your way — punts you thirty feet down the road, but I don’t want to spend my next few trips down this road driving through the miasmatic cloud of halitosis and patchouli that would probably linger after having been knocked from your pores by the impact.

Much like the olfactory reminder of the demise of a skunk, only with fewer skid marks evident, come to think.

So. Move your non-GMO arse, you jackass.

Nothing but love,

LawDog

Nuclear Power or Bust
A Message from ConSec

11 thoughts on “The Tao of Lawdog #765”

  1. My favorite is the drunk walking down the guiding edge stripe, trying to make their way home, dressed in dark clothing, and oblivious of the possible cranial damage from a side mirror.

  2. At least once a week I have to deal with similar on my way to work. Though, it is usually one of the “poor souls” who are currently unhoused and blitzed on alcohol and/or illicit substances. They invariably choose to cross high speed roads with 3 lanes going in each direction. Sometimes, they choose to stumble down the middle of these thoroughfares.

  3. When I was working graveyard shift I discovered that I could actually get home quicker taking the surface street in front of the salts mines, which runs about 3 blocks from Schloss Drang, than by detouring over to the interstate. Had to stop, though, due to a much lower likelihood of ridding Pugetopolis of free range crazies and feral nutjobs crossing the highway in the middle of the block, away from crosswalks and streetlights, wearing dark clothing. Although the stray shopping cart they gave their worldly possessions in is often a bit lighter in color.

  4. Yeah, sometimes you ‘pray’ for a stolen shopping cart to reflect enough light to give you time to dodge them…

  5. Last night’s moron (dressed in requisite all black) was walking on the 18″ raised edge of the narrow two-lane bridge (no shoulder), while traffic approached him at 70. I saw him just as he was beside my right fender, then was gone behind me. If he had stumbled, I wouldn’t have even had time to think about swerving.

  6. Worst one I almost (thank heavens it was ALMOST) hit was pushing a stroller! Luckily the metal rims flashed just enough. Now, I don’t KNOW that there was a kid in there, might have been a dog, or just ‘stuff’, but damn, I’m glad I didn’t find out from the PO that would have worked the accident.

  7. Generally a good idea if you’re anywhere around traffic is to make sure that they see you. This is best done with reflective clothing or lights. Note, do not use bright white lights as this will blind the drivers and may get you hit.

  8. Not directly related to pedestrians but…I was coming home, through Amish country, after working the swing shift at about two AM. The road was a typical Southeastern Pennsylvania country road, i.e. blind curves, hills, etc. I come around a blind curve at 50 mph and all I can see in my lane, about 50 ft. in front of me, is the slow moving vehicle triangle on a flat black Amish buggy. Buggies are supposed to stay on the shoulder, not in the traffic lane, but apparently the gentleman driving this contraption decided the paved road was smother than the unpaved shoulder. Fortunately at two AM there was no oncoming traffic in the left lane. I locked up the binders, and swerved into the left lane and avoided killing the Amish-man, his family his horse, and also not doing myself any favors. Will people never learn, Newton always wins. Violations are punished instantly, there are no appeals, no probation nor community service.

  9. Too many folks are just drooling over their chances of bringing home an actual Darwin Award! Bless their lunatic hearts.
    Our executive disgrace just signed a law making jaywalking legal all across the State.
    Ulises from the People’s Republik of Kalipornia

  10. On a related, but far less urgent topic;

    Many years ago now, while on line to the checkout at a bookstore, I read in passing a small book of fashion rules. Most of them were drivel, but one stuck with me.

    “Very few people in this world look good in dreadlocks. None of them are White.”

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